corn dog.

The weather in Florida right now is perfect, we even have the heater on in the house. It feels how Christmas should feel like, and never feels like hear in Florida. I am finally starting to get into the season. For me when I think about Christmas I think about lights and how beautiful they are. The memories are the best, and I just love how it makes me feel like a child again.

On my way home last night I saw such beautiful lights outside of businesses and then tonight I drove threw the lights down town.

This is one blog I forgot to post!!!

Alright Princess Calm Down Now.

After days like today I just want to fucking scream at the top of my lungs!!! I start to think about events of the day and things that were said that just should be left alone. Why would you bring up my father around the family when obviously you do not care for him? I guess what it comes down to is that he is MY FATHER and you have NO RIGHT to talk anything about him. I really can't stand how hurful my grandmother and mother can be at times. I feel like I am so ready to get rid of their negativity in my life. The part that really is hard is being able to get rid of that part of my life. The truth of the matter is that I just can't write them off, they are my family I just need to learn how to deal with them better. I have to learn to not let them get under my skin as much as I can let them at times. I have gotten better in the past couple of years, but everything is a work in progress. Ignorance really just angers me and they are both a big part of it.

This is a backtrack to what has been going on in my life but I found it tonight so I am posting it!

"What matters is what you think about yourself, not what others think of you."

I am hard core having the worst time sleeping and it has been going on for about a week or two now. It's great feeling like shit most of the time because my brain will not let my body rest- this does wonders for my blood sugar too. I have a lot of crap on my mind right now and it's not even work related for once- isn't that just a relief!!!
I don't really feel right about talking about most of it and today was the first day that I feel like I am having some clarity on it all. I started thinking and writing down my thoughts and I figured out a lot of what my problems have been. They are mainly personal and family related. When I feel like I don't have the security of my family I tend to mentally get aggravated and focus on problems that I really cannot control. I hate problems that I do not have a solution for or that are out of my control.

I'm changing and I'm not sure I like how I feel.

I am sitting here tonight and I just don't know what direction I am going in. For so long I had these goals that seemed to make since, they were logical and they were what I thought I wanted in my life. I hate the question what next, however I find myself asking that question too much. I do not feel like myself or how I usually feel at all and I am trying to make since of all of it. I wonder why life always has to seem like a race or why people make it seem this way? In the end what we all want is to be happy, however the different ways that make people happy amaze me from time to time.

I don't understand why I feel so bad

It just doesn't make any sense to me, I have these great friends and great family (most of them). We throw parties, we go on vacations, and I keep my schedule slammed with stuff to do most of the time. I guess my real question is why do I feel so unsatisfied and lonely all of the time? I just had a pretty good day, it would rank a 9 in my book and yet here I sit feeling just horrible and all alone in this world. It doesn't make sense and I've tried to shake these feelings off for the past couple of weeks now, but I am simply running out of solutions. I don't like feeling like this, mostly because I am feeling completely vulnerable and insecure. So I am just trying to figure all of this out.

and I'm free, free falling, falling

I am in my bed right now with only the computer light and a John Mayer song on to keep me company. I feel like I am on my way to finding what I truly want to do with my life. I love my job because I am good at it and I want to have a career, but school and life have seemed everlasting for the past couple of years. Taking breaks because of financial needs or medical reasons have been without a doubt a pain but that is all a part of life. I am starting back school this coming up fall and I do believe that I will be hitting the books hard this time. I am going to finish college and put my degree to use, and I can’t let anyone get in my way (not even me). Next summer I plan on going out of town for 2 months and going on a road trip across The United States of America. I am not telling that many people about it;because I feel like I am going to get back a lot of negativity, and that will just discourage me from something that I really want to do. When I say that I am not telling a lot of people I don’t mean via Internet,people at work and or people that don’t have any business in telling me how and what I should do with my life. I have wanted for some time to go on a road trip across the United States but it hasn’t been a possibility for me to go because of money or school or whatever. So my goal for the rest of this year is to pay off my hospital bills, credit cards, and get myself to start saving some serious cash. I have 2 credit cards to pay off and a couple of really big fucking hospital bills. While I am on this trip next year I plan on having the greatest time but, making something of it. I want to write a book about this traveling experience, take pictures, have video documentary, and an on line blog to document everything. All of these things are really big goals and dreams and I’m going to reach them in some way. For this past month I have been focusing on a part of my life that I really never gave too much thought to because it never seemed that important. I guess I need to be honest with myself and just come out and say it. I get lonely just like everyone else, my problem is I don’t really have or make time for intimate relationships. I hang with my family, friends, and I don’t go to bars (not the best place to find a man just a good fucking time). It’s not that this girldoesn’t want some lovin (not just sex) or a boyfriend I keep my time occupied most of the time. I had a friend remind me of who I was the other day and for most of the week and I think she is coming back to life. I love to write and I always have so I want to publish books (especially one about this trip) but, will it pay the bills? I think that in life all we can do is be happy and help others reach the same goal. I know that right now if I don’t take this trip, I will never have a chance to do this without more strings attached or responsibilities. I’m 24 and before I know it I will be buying a house, getting engaged, getting married, planning a family, having kids, raising kids, working to death, and then hopefully I will be able to travel more. I know I am not old, I am suck a kid- but if I don’t start spending my time being happy, and going on adventures before I know it this life will pass me by. I refuse to work myself to death and not get to experience what life is about. One of my goals is to start going back to church. There was a point and time in my life when I would go to church all of the time, and it wasn’t just because my mom was making me. I enjoyed the people I was around and the life lessons I was learning. In the past few weeks when I have thought to myself I feel so lost, I had a voice inside of me say…”you need to go back to church, this is why you are so lost.” I have so many things that we are dreaming about doing, so I am going to stop dreaming and try and put them into motion.

sitting here contemplating my next move!!!

I feel like I can't seem to find my groove or my stride in doing things. I have my routines, especially at work- I just feel all mixed up right now, I need to focus and pay attention to what is going on. I feel so mixed up and I have just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, of course I am not sure what the hell I would be screaming.
Work seems to be just going, I am struggling to control our labor and food costs. Summer is upon us and next month minimum wage is going up, and as much as I hate to admit it we are going to have to do a price increase. We have to be able to pay our bills and not kill our bottom line. It's been over a year since our last price increase so, we are due..I guess:( I am just glad that I have been able to make time while I am at work to get things done with paperwork and orders. I can get behind at work really easily, especially when I have 4-5 days off in a row...NIGHTMARE! I have plenty of things to get ready for with our new LTO and the normal paperwork.
It would be nice to have a break and get away from this place, but I do not see it happening at all. :( So tonight is another night at work- which will be good to get some cleaning and paperwork done!

Straight Out Of My Finger Tips

I can't just wait for this life to happen, I know this and I have known this for some time. At times wishing, hoping, and dreaming seems so much easier than actually taking charge and making it happen. Just like most people in this world I do what I feel like doing most of the time, I make my decisions on what I want to do. I base a lot of my decisions around what type of mood I am in or how I feel. Of course I have always had to do things I didn't want to but lately (in the past year or two) I have found myself forcing myself to do what I don't want or particularly like to do to get what I want. (bad grammar, oh i know!) It's like getting out of bed in the morning and starting your day, no one really wants to get out of bed- but we all do. We get up because we want to live, not just because we have to. It doesn't matter if you are going to the worst job in the world, you drag yourself out of bed and go to work because you need the money to make your life better, to provide for your family, to make ends meet, to have something to do, or simply because you have a passion for it. Nothing worth having comes easy. I remind myself of this every time I want to give up. Lately I have been wanting to give up on a lot of things in my life to be honest with everyone including myself. I really have not been wanting to deal with one of the biggest battles in my life which is my weight and my diabetes. How do you take 23 years of self abuse and have to change them in one day? Well that is basically what I was told or what I heard from my doctors last year at this time. Like most things I started out really pro-active and then I was so fucking angry, angry with my genes and mostly at myself. I am not only mad but disappointed in myself when I think of the many steps that I could have take towards not having to incorporate this disease in my life. It's not like I just ate myself into diabetes, it runs heavily on both sides of my family and until last year I didn't even know that is was heavy on my father's side. I am over weight, yes I do own a mirror, and this weight is a major contributor to my diabetes. Oh and just so you know fat people do not have to be nice, I have heard that comment before and I wanted to set the record straight! The scary part is that having two doctors tell me that loosing weight will not cure me of my diabetes, it will just make is more manageable. MORE MANAGEABLE....I mean WTF, or at least that is what I was thinking at the time. I should have thought, at least I am still healthy enough to grab a hold of this disease and not let it control or get the best of me. Hopefully loosing the weight will help me lower or get rid of all the med's that I am on. What also scares me is that I remember reading an article shortly after I was diagnosed and it stated that diabetes is a progressive disease. I think I just stopped everything for 5 minutes and kept on reading the same sentence over and over again. I thought to myself, I am going to die because I will never be able to get rid of this. I remember being 5 and going to West Virginia for my Aunt Wanda's funeral, she was a diabetic and was on dialysis for 20 plus years. I just don't understand why it was never talked about, why we never spoke of it. Why I wasn't educated on my family history, but I wonder if I would have even listened or given it a second thought. I would have probably ignored the advice and just thought that will never happen to me. So after I have spent so much time being angry and depressed and confused and lost I feel like I am just coming out of it all. I have self educated myself on so many things and I have asked so many questions, but there is still so much more I can do for myself. It's amazing how I never could see how you wouldn't want to take medicine to get better or take the steps to feel better even when you life depended on it, and now I see. It's so much about control and your emotions. I never understood until now how hard it has to be to have had this all your life. I know two wonderful people that are really close to me who struggle with Type one diabetes every day, and after having this for one year (and it's not as bad as it could be) I wanted to just stop trying a couple of months ago. Sometimes with all that there is to balance I just want stop, but that is me getting stressed out and being overwhelmed. So I woke up from a really bad dream one day and I had a really bad night sleeping and my sugar was crazy high and then it got crazy low. It was probably the worst I have ever felt and I could barely walk to the bathroom because my feet were hurting so bad. My arm was numb and my vision was blurry at the same time. I was scared and just felt horrible all at the same time. I have seen people at work and in my personal life have this disease destroy them, and as much as I didn't want to admit to myself I was doing the same thing. After that night and the next day trying to get back to normal I had enough of everything and even though I knew all of the facts, it's like I was finally able to absorb them, or make them actually matter. I feel more focused on my health right now than I have ever been. I'm not angry or scared anymore, I can't change what has happened so all I can do is take steps toward in improving my life and making better decision. I don't really ever talk about this, so don't be surprised after you read this blog. I have a great support system in my life with my family and my friends who are family. My best friend and flat mate means the world to me and I don't think after this weekend there is anything that I can't tell her or trust into her. Alison is one of my greatest friends and we fight, we laugh, we love each other, we have the best and worst times. I know that no matter where I go in life she will always be there even if it is by way of phone or via email. So last year I lost 30 pounds and this year I want to loose more. I want to loose 40 pounds by the end of this year and I am trying to focus on it more and more each day. It's kind of tricky because I can't just starve myself (not a good idea anyways) I have to keep my sugar levels in good range so learning to eat small, healthy meals has been a challenge for me. Today I was back on the diet my nutritionist and I planned out. I am starting to get back on track, it is just hard, to always make the healthy decisions even though it is worth it in the end. As much as I talk to people in my support system I am trying to learn as much as I can so I don't repeat mistakes, personal growth is very important to me and I refuse to live my life always settling for things. I want to make the best of this life, so it makes sense to always want to try. I know that my mom (bio) and I are different but I am really scared to end up like her, and in her set of mind. It's hard to explain how you can love someone so much who always is so critical of you and hurts you all the time. If it was anyone different I would just be able to cut them off completely- I am and have learned to keep my distance. So for now I am trying my hardest to stay focused on what is important to me, and life really happens while your not paying attention.

so what do I not need to care for him to?

It's puddle jumpinng time again in Florida

I love it right now, the rain just keeps on falling and I was truly surprised to hear it falling down when I woke up this afternoon. It made me want to stay in my bed for the rest of the day. I don't mind the rain unless I have a fun filled day planed outside of the house (IE: going to the beach or a theme park)

Work seems to go much better without Nicole and I can't really say that I miss her when I don't. I don't miss her headaches and her not being able to manage her job at the store. I will miss her jokes and laughs, but I really could care less because it is making my life much more easy in the long run.

I am ready for a trip, but it doesn't look like I will be getting one any time soon. The reality of me not getting a vacation is starting to sink in and it sucks majorly. It's not because I don't have the funds or the time, right now our entire company can't manage sparing anyone. Hopefully by June I will be able to start really training Chris for management. Next week I am going to start training him as a cashier. Last year I was training 2 managers and now one of them is gone and I am left with one. What a waste of time it has turned out to be.

what's your problem or what is the matter with you?

So this afternoon I get a call from my boss and at first she asks if I am busy or if it is my day off. As I proceed to tell her it is my day off she basically doesn't give a flying fuck because she starts a conversation with me about work and what is going on with me and my store.

The conversations starts with I don't like that you treat me differently than you use to. I have had a conversation with my other boss about this and well, to a certain point I do. All last summer the bills were not paid on time and I had to deal with bill collectors because this person did not feel like doing there job. I am and have been told by one of my bosses to keep food costs down, because of the bottom line and how much it is effecting our P&L. While on the other hand 3-4 times a week we are handing out food at lets say 40-60 dollars each time and it is not being held accountable for.

During this whole conversation I am being told that I am not being placed in the middle, but in all reality I am because that conversation puts me in the middle of their relationship and their problems. When she comes into my store and yells at me because my other boss asked me a question about her and a conversation that we had and I told this person what they wanted to know. I am not going to lie to my boss.

I tried to reassure her that I don't have a problem with her, and for the most part I don't have a problem with her, she has just changed in the last year or two and I don't know how to act around her.

She is not the only person that has a life outside of work, and over the last year a lot of things have changed for me too. I am feeling really frustrated because I am being put in the middle of this divorce and I know that to say anything about this conversation would just make it worse. I know that tomorrow I will see one of them and as badly as I want to say something to him I can't. I don't like this keeping secrets bull shit and I am not going to take it for long.

Today after I was on the phone with her for a while I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and put in my 2 weeks notice. I have worked very hard for this company for 6 years and after this week and after this phone call I just wanted to give up. I don't think anyone understood here and it doesn't make any sense to care this much if you are on the outside looking in.

I need to stop taking my work home with me, because I can see the change and I am not happy with the way that I feel outside of work.

Saturday was Nicole's last day at work and well, based on her work performance all I can think of is what a relief. Her laziness doesn't surprise me at all, not one bit. Saturday night I was in the middle of a computer crisis and she wanted to go home early. She couldn't keep the store running and help me out she had to go get a new cell phone and gtfo. Unlike Nicole I am able to separate my personal life from my job, last Saturday she made that meeting so fucking personal and I believe I had to stop her so many times to show her how she was. The reason why I am so upset with her and the management situation is because I see her failure as a reflection on me to a certain point.

I am feeling better than at the beginning of this week and I am hoping that this chest cold will be gone very very soon. I am not the greatest person to be around when I am sick, and it figures that the week that I have to work more and harder I am sick!!!

Mom is not doing well at all, and this week was no different. Last week she had to take 2 days off of work and this week she didn't get to rest at all. There is nothing that I can do or say anymore, it's a waste of my breath. So like normal we worry and pray for the best.

My grandmother came up from Tampa today, and it looks like I will be getting a double dose of them this week. I am not going to spend my day off dealing with all of that, I can do it on Wednesday morning or a little later this week. They want to go see a movie and go to lunch. I can handle them in small doses ONLY!!

Sometimes I get to the point where I am so mad at myself and at other things in my life that I feel as if I can't talk about them. I kind of just retreat and learn to deal with it on my own. I don't want to be the person who is whining all the time.

I could go for some cold asian food about right now, like yummy time huh?

Oh holy shit my pants man this has been the week of just mental strength. Today I think that I could have used more mental strength and today I just wanted to cry because I had reached my limit. I clocked out with 44 hours at my store and 6 hours at the mall store for the week. Oh holy shit I have been making 24.00 for the last 10 hours I worked. I seriously hope that it doesn't kill my labor costs and our bottom line for the quarter.

I am starting to feel a little lost and all of these loose ends in my life does not help me feel secure with anything. It has been a long week- I should just let it all go and start fresh when I get up later today. My communication skills have seen better days this week and I am finding myself getting more and more frustrated with mainly myself.

I am happy because Sunday is my day off and I am happy because I don't have any plans.

alison

thanks for making me open the door.
thanks for making me hug you.
thanks for understanding.
thanks for being you.
thanks for sittin on the floor with me in the dark.
thanks for making me laugh.
thanks for getting me my frozen eye patch, even though it burned my eyes.
thanks for making the jokes about Karen (you know who!)
thanks for everything you do.
thanks for listening to everything.
thanks for trying to be objective.
thanks for making me feel better.
thanks for letting me dump my problems in your lap.
thanks for being my best friend.
thanks for loving me like you do.
thanks for it all.

I'm Tired of it all

I have to spell it out for him or I just fucked it all up. We are not going to the movies, we are not really friends, I know I am his boss, we flirt at work all the time, he is always asking questions about my life, and I don't know what to do. I am not going to ask him on a date again. It really makes me think either he is really fucking stupid or it's me and nothing is ever going to happen. I am worth a date, shit at least I feel like I am. It's been too long since I have been on a date. I mean come on, I am just going to leave it alone and act like it's not there. It will work itself out in time I guess. It's hard to explain but it feels like I will not get my happy ending sometimes and I know I am just being foolish but it just does.
My sugar has been running high all day- probably because I have been so stressed out over a number of things. I am done with my life right now, I am done with me and this stupid life. I am done with Kevin, my family (all of them), Nicole, mother's day, my health, and probably just work in general. Honestly I am just so tired of trying and trying and trying and trying. I just feel like breaking down and crying I just feel like giving up. Tonight I am too sensitive and everything that I am told in harsh tones or if they are just joking makes me feel worse.
I am tired of Carol not being able to get any better. I am tired of her acting like her health is not a big deal. I am tired of her running herself into the ground trying to do for others. I am so tired of her family acting like everything is okay when it truly isn't. I am tired of her inconsiderate fucking sister and all her bull shit. I hate that she has had to go through this and I hate the fact that all of this has happened.
I have to go to the bathroom now.

THIS is a total FML moment

For the past month I have had this ooober crush on a guy at work, I have even taken it so far as to ask him out on a date. Of course he had other plans that night and so did I so nothing came of it. So I have left it up to him from now on because I didn't want to seem over eager to go on a date with him. So yesterday at work I came in a little hung over and extremely tired. My crush decided to torment me about this for most of the morning and even had one of the delivery guys in on it. During the morning hazing ritual I was experiencing he asks me if I had seen the new X-Men movie. My response was "I'm supposed to go and see it with my mom." He looked at the floor and said "Oh, yeah I told my mom I would go to the movies with her too." He was asking me out on a date and I was too friggin hung over to let it happen. Of course as the words are leaving my mouth my brain is yelling "shut the fuck up you tard!" Fuck My Life, I wonder if he will ask again?!?!

If your happy and you know it clap your hands (there are no claps on my end right now)

Things right now feel like a crazy serious mess. I pretty much feel just warn out mentally and physically. Work is not going well at all, especially with Nicole. She did not get her schedule request for Monday (schedule request is not a promise) and she put in her 2 weeks notice. Where I am at right now I could care less, I have given up and her quitting has been a relief to me. It's not the greatest place to be , and we are both at the point where we just want to give up. When the truth of the matter is we both have to try harder but I refuse to stop calling her out on her shit. I'm so frustrated that I can't sleep right now, and I am wondering how things are going to go on Thursday when we sit down and talk. She doesn't even want to talk which to me means that she doesn't want to step up and take some fucking responsibility for her damn actions. What it all comes down to is that we are both at fault in many ways and we have to work something out because I can't work like this anymore, and either I am going to leave or she is. The part that sucks is that it has come to this, and it makes me feel like a failure at what I do. I understand that I am not, but it doesn't make me feel good.

costly but so worth the wait!!!

There is always that one person who will always give all they have to give and who cares. They keep trying when they fail or make wrong decisions and they always seem to get back up. They are willing to take on more responsibility and willing to pick up the slack. Obviously that is not Nicole and like I told my boss on Tuesday I am getting to a point where I don't even want to address the problems that I am having with her. It's not worth my aggravation anymore and the worst part about situations like this is, giving up on someone. Now that I start thinking about all of this I am starting to think that I am giving up on her.

If I could eat the air

I walk out into the dark and the air smells like sugar. It always has a way of making me smile even after a night of hell at the store. The dough nut shop next door starts preparing the morning treats around 9 at night so when I get out of work around 11 the air is full of the scent of sugar.

a day of watching movies and eating popcorn.

somehow today has turned out to be a little bit productive, even though I am dragging myself around the house to actually do all of these tasks!! I feel kind of weird today, it's like i am not in a bad mood or a good mood I am just in between everything. As of right now the radio is on in the kitchen, the laundry is going, I am sitting on the floor in the living room because the couches are soaked with febreeze.
This coming up week might be a test of my brain power- most of the time I feel like I am juggling twenty million things at work all at once. So this week I have 45 hours of work and paperwork and organization to deal with. I am actually really happy at work right now. I feel like I have the time to get these things done, even though most of my days are jam packed busy. The store seems different since Zach is gone and it seems like a good thing.
Right now my aunt Karen (dad's sister) is instant messaging me and complaining to me about them not calling her back. She really needs to realize who she is talking to and whom she is talking about. These are my parents she is bashing, people I would die for- not her!!! She has a face book and a myspace so it's- well annoying when she asks me what is wrong or checks on my by this.
So things did not really work out the way that I would like them to have on Friday before we parted ways. I don't know what to do so I guess I am not going to do anything at all. I don't want to play games, I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable, and I guess I just plain don't know. I wasn't too keen on well- getting involved with anyone at work. I am not saying that nothing could come between him and I, but why stress about this anymore. I'm pretty much back to the normal NO ACTION girl that I always am and I guess I will just have to live with that! A relationship will find me when it's ready- probably when I am not paying attention. So here is toasting 23 more years of the single life!!!

Infomercials kill brain cells

this weekend is coming too soon!

So the conclusion that I am coming to is that I have so much going on I really have no business worrying about some boy. If things happen between us that will be great, but when I am at work I need to be concentrating on work and my responsibilities there.
I finally made the decission tonight that the first summer semester is just going to have to wait. I am not going to find myself in a position where I have to struggle in school because my store is in bad shape right now. I am loosing a manager and the other two assistants that I have are not too strong.
This week is the start of pulling more hours at my store and getting things done. Today I had to go in for a bit because I received and email from out produce distributor and will not be in my store until Thursday and it is a pressing manner. Also the LCD screen that we are sending back has never arrived at the RI location and i had to make a few phone calls this morning. The work never ends, and that is fine with me for right now.

just think about what you think- why does it have to be a crazy idea?

Sometimes I feel as if I am trying so hard to make things work in my life and then I am not doing as well as I thought I was doing. Does this make any sense? In my head is sure enough does, and maybe the truth of the matter is I have no business trying to start a relationship with anyone until I get my life together. Lately I have heard the feelings that I have felt many times before and I don't know why I feel like this. Not deserving, maybe this is a part of me that keeps me from having great things in my life. I don't know.....I just don't want to think anymore.

yo yo yo what it is son!

sometimes i just get the feeling that things are not as they seem in my relationships. I have a way of putting my foot in my mouth sometimes and wearing my feelings on my shoulder.
tomorrow I am about to take my feelings and hold them out for someone to see, rejection is well scary for anyone.
I hate the fucking gossip mill at work and I don't really want to just shrug it off because I would rather be told the truth from the source.
So am I going to take this chace, damn I wish I was a morning person. I honestly will do what I think is best for myself tomorrow morning.
I really like him and mostly it is because when we talk we click on a lot of the same levels.
Why not take a chance for once, it's not like I am getting anywhere by just sitting here- hey who knows maybe Nicole is right and he likes me too.
The point is that I am not in high school and I am not passing notes, and well I'm not down with the he said she said shit or matchmaker bull that seems to be going on.
I would rather do something about this if you know what I mean. I don't like work relationships and I hate the fact that I don't really do anything but work, gym, family, and well homework when the new semester starts!!!
Bars are not really places to find someone, I just have always had this rule about no relationships at work because I know how people talk and how things get messy. It gets a lot more complicated when you are the boss.
what to do, what to do....! I talked to Alison and J-M tonight and got there feedback and now it is my turn to make the decision.
OH Man thank goodness i get off at 3 tomorrow, wish me anything but luck!

I'm not insecure enough to wax my ass hole.

So I found the answer and seriously I have no problem with my ass hole hair. If my man has a problem with it than tough, it's not like he has to touch it anyways because his penis will not be going anywhere near it. so here is the link, read it....i like keepin my ass warm and germ free!!!http://www.ask.com/bar?q=why+do+we+have+body+hair&page=1&qsrc=178&ab=0&u=http%3A%2F%2Ffindarticles.com%2Fp%2Farticles%2Fmi_m1590%2Fis_2_57%2Fai_68618530%2F

I don't wax my ass hole at all.

i can't sleep, so here i am blogging my little heart away. we all have our baggage, we all have ways that we react to situations that arrise in our life. it's hard to look through anothers perspective if you have never experienced their situation. I found it funny to hear someone say "at some point you have to grow up!" which is the truth but, if you have not come from a broken home you have no idea what it is like. Just because one person can handle an experience better than another doesn't mean that it isn't any better. I have a lot of un-resolved issues with my mother and I don't know how to deal withthem. Everytime I feel as if I have made some progress, something happens in our relationship that throws me through a loop and I end up at the begining again. I have some big trust issues with myself and other people because of our relationship and it's really unfair to me and others. The only thing I can do is learn from this cluster fuck of a relationship. I am just left with this feeling of emptyness most of the time. I am tired of not having anyone to share my time with and it doesn't help my self esteme at all. The only people I have contact with are people at work. School is online and computer relationships are not even an option. The other night I went to bed with these self depricating thoughts "stupid stupid girl, when are you going to learn?" AHAHAHAHAHHHHHH!! I can't seem to get out of my head most of the time. I think I slept in so much today because I didn't want to deal with the way that I have been feeling. Right now I am having the greatest conversation with this kid, and it's weird to see how similar we truly are. I have to go to bed, I have to get up in the morning and look like I belong with the living.

How do you redirect your life in into a positive direction, or in any case a direction that you want it to go? You have to just roll up your sleeves and do the work. This past month I am pretty sure that I have felt like Stretch Armstrong in every part of my life. I love my job most of the time and it's not that I have hated it lately, but I have become very frustrated with the overturn and I am not the only one. I honestly can not stand people that want to have a job (easy job) but simply can not come to work on time or show up. Like everyone else I have a life with responsibilities, obligations, family, friends, and other things that I care deeply about. I guess I will start off by saying that I am not perfect and I understand life can plain suck sometimes. I have been having trouble with balancing my schedule and that is my problem that I have to deal with. I have to get caught up right now at work with my paperwork, because all I have been able to do is stay on the floor and tend to the customers and my employees. I am so behind with my reading for my classes and I am wondering if I should just go ahead and drop one of them. What really burns my bread is that when I want to concentrate on school and I get the shaft. Yesterday I had my fill and then talking to Brad didn't really seem to help, mainly because he doesn't care about school. Speaking of school I just got a wonderful phone call and a message about the activity on my account with school. I guess most of all I am very disappointed in myself because I allow myself to give into work a lot more than I should. I feel very responsible for that store and I should because it is my responsibility. The truth of the matter is that I have limits to what I can do and so does everyone else. I might as well be honest with myself and admit that I haven't been taking care of myself. When did I start loosing respect for myself and not caring what I do to my body and my well being? When did I start thinking it was okay to do for others and taking the shaft in my personal life.
Today I have actually been able to get things done. Now I just wish that everything was magically unpacked and organized!!! It's Carol's birthday today and I really thought that we were going to have dinner at my house so I would have Sunday to get homework done but the plans have changed. I took my Friday off for this, I could be working right now and not having to go in early tomorrow morning. It's annoying but it happens and as much as I love my family they always have to leave everything to the last minute and I just don't work that way. The battle of life is never ending and have plenty of work left to do- just like the rest of the world.

One foot in the door no longer

What my realizations in life have come to is that nothing is normal, normal is like being perfect. So why are we always searching for the normal? I am just looking for some stable ground most of the time. February and March have felt like controlled chaos. I honestly have been working too much and that is going to have to stop after next week, I feel like I am being suffocated with all of the work that I constantly do. I feel disappointed in myself because I have not been able to do things at this wicked awesome new pad I am staying at but, work and school come first...not above family of course! I love my job, I am going to school, and I am trying to live like everyone else here! We all have busy lives, lets not forget that. Just because someone else is not in school or you can not see the tasks that they have- does not make them a couch potato. This is not just coming from a conversation I had yesterday but from the reality of it all, and past judgements that I have had. It is so easy to judge someone else or there situation when you are not in there shoes or you have to face the obstacles that they are facing.

Have you ever noticed that so many views that we have are hypocritical? I mean have you ever seen or heard something and thought I would never do that or that is wrong? We all have right? Now did you ever take this second step and thought or asked yourself...Would I do that? I have been there before. Do I do the same thing? I do not know how I would react in that situation.

I don't know if there is any truth to this but do most people just walk around and not examine there life decisions or the way they think? Do other people think this way? I know my mother can't or doesn't...look at her actions and the way she thinks. It's like she walks around thinking that she is always right. I have come in contact with a lot of people like this in my life. Of course we are all guilty of these forms of judgement, I am at times. The difference is that we have to always learn from our mistakes. I honestly do not know what I am trying to get at here, these are just thoughts that have been rolling around in my head for a couple of days and I had to get them out. I have been having Internet withdraws and today I am getting higher than a kite! I know Alison can't wait until she can blog from the shitter!

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Dreaming of what could be. Dreaming of a you and me. I find myself in love with the thought of you and me. I have fallen in love with the comfortable thought of you and me. I wish you were here sitting beside me and holding my hand. I would even be satisfied if you were on the other end of the phone, and making your way towards me. In my mind, at this place I am eagerly waiting for you. I am holding onto memories that do not exist, ones we have yet to create. I can see a future so clearly that I can almost touch it. Where are you, and how soon are we to become an us? Most importantly who are you and what is taking you so long? I wonder sometimes if we have already met or if you are a complete stranger. I know that I will find you in due time. I am just rushing forward at the speed of light like I usually do. I am putting the cart before the horse.

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It's been a hard days night and I've been working like a dog

It's amazing how long this week has been already and it is only Wednesday. It's back to the normal grind and it's not like this weekend was some fucking day spa in the Hamptons.
The house is coming together very well and I pray that I can get the rest of the boxes put away very soon. I'm not going to lie- homework is really cramping my style right now. I would rather be home putting things away and organizing all my shit.
Those cox bitches better be out at the house on Monday...I'm not even fucking kidding. It is such a pain in the ass waiting for things like that to happen. I have to have internet for school and it is sucking big balls hauling my shit across town to do my HW and then having to drive all the fucking way home. OH and because of this I am going to be watching grey's anatomy with alison at my parents house tomorrow night. hahaha- too fucking funny if you ask me! My parent's laughed at me when I asked them. OH and by the way- Alison is a great roomie!

My dad's Laugh and Mine

Like so many other nights I am sitting on the couch in my parents house and we are watching the boob tube (as my dad calls it!) and when I start laughing I realize that I have the same laugh as my dad. It's crazy what traits or characteristics you pick up from your parents.

someone asked me.

Walking around in this quiet apartment this question stopped me dead in my tracks. Are you going to miss this apartment when you move. Before I even had a moment to really think about it I said not really. Then when I realized that I had just blurted it out I still have the same answer not really. Don't misunderstand me, I have had a great time living living here- I have really grown into a more responsible person here. We have had great parties, bbq's, game nights, and many other events. Laughter has bounced off these walls, tears have been shed and life has just been lead. Still I have no attachment to this apartment. I'm done here, it's just a place where I once was. Soon it will be like I was never here and I will have been forgotten like those before me.

I'm looking at empty walls

School is out for 5 days. I have 5 days of freedom before I am back at the normal grind again! YEAH!!! It feels really nice to have that load off of my shoulders.
This weekend's goal is to get moved into the new house. Talk about being a little overwhelmed. I never knew how much stuff I owned, it's amazing how much someone can inherit in 2 years. I am about to move again, and to tell you the truth I am tired of moving. I really do not want to move ever again but I know that I will. So hopefully it will not be for a long time after this move. It seems to finally be coming together at the new house and it looks nice. The only thing I don't like is that my mom feels like she has more of a reason to call me all the time now. I don't want to deal with any of her shit that she likes to nag me about. Yeah I wish she would realize that I am all grown up and I don't need her to tell me what to do anymore. It has been a long time since I have needed her help.
Allison went to Las Vegas and had a great time, it was fun to look at all of her pictures yesterday at the meeting. I am getting sick and tired of one of my managers and she just makes me want to kill her. I talk and talk to her about how she should be running things and it's like it never sinks in to her fucking brain. She is probably pissed off at me because I would not work for her on Monday night but I could care less, because I have a life and I am not going to work 14 hours when she just has a little tummy ache. I don't even know why I bother with her sometimes, and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs most of the time. I am ready for the meeting this Thursday and I am glad that I will be able to see the other managers and Brad.
The congressional address is on tonight and the only thing that I hate about it is all the time for the clapping- seriously annoying. Why can't he just give his speech without all the clapping and starting and stopping.
I got a mini Mini Cooper catalog in yesterday- it's amazing. I know that everyone hates me talking about that car but I don't care! I want one of those cars and it will be forever before I can afford one of them but who knows!

stuck between my shadow and me

I have yet to start my packing. Honestly I will do it when I get a chance, and at the moment it seems like NEVER! I feel really stuck right now trying to get my school work done each week and trying to do a million other things. I am ready to get into this new house I just wish that it was done and over with. If you haven't guessed it I hate moving- but this time it will be worth it. I am ready for a long stay, and I am going to be so glad to have my bedroom on the ground floor.
There are so many things that I have to get done this month, and one of them is my taxes!!! I have been waiting to finish them because of other statements coming in the mail. Finally they are all here, hopefully I will be able to get out of bed early enough on Friday and get them in.
Saturday is V-day...so what are you doing? I am chilling with my siblings! We are going to play games and hopefully I will be able to finish my homework.
I can't believe that tomorrow is already Thursday, this week has just flown right by. Last week was too fucking busy, and this week isn't slower at all. I am going to die at the age of 25 from stress and killing myself trying to do everything I want at once.

Karen doesn't look up to me anymore, I just felt my heart break a little

So I love my professor for my student services class. He is always emailing us these great little phrases, so I thought I would share one or two.

"Great acting is being able to create a character. Great character is being able to be yourself", by John Leguizamo.

"It's tempting to sit and wait for life to come to you. But it can't, it's too busy. Life is out there. You have to go for it [and earn it]", by Harry Beckwith.

I have always had to deal with people who judged me either by the way that I look or anything that they were jealous of. Even when I would go home my mother, Lorena was so critical and judgemental of me because of the way I looked or what I was doing with my life. It is a horrible feeling to feel this way and I hate that right now at the wonderful age of 23 I am being put in this position at my dads house. I have never felt this way here and yet today I have let my little sister do this to me and pass judgement on my life. I am furious with her and with myself. Since moving out of my mother's house I have learned to be myself more and not concentrate on what other people think as much. We all have our insecurities and we all have to deal and live with them. I just can't stand this feeling.

Listening to Good Music and Feeling the Warmth

I wonder if we realize how complicated or how much impact are decisions have on each other? We mean things one way or make specific actions for one reason and it has so many other meanings or perceptions to other people. I am constantly thinking of when you point a finger at someone, three are pointing back in your direction. I am trying to put myself in others positions and not be so judgemental all of the time. I mean think about it...how many times do you think or say I would never do that or that is wrong. Now honestly put yourself in another position or put up different circumstances and do you really know how you would react? The truth of the matter is, the real answer is you don't know. What you do know is what you would like to think you would do. We all have beliefs and I am not saying that on some of them that you would budge in any form of the situation, however we are not guaranteed tomorrow and you never know until you are faced with some of the hardest situations.

I have been thinking and I guess you could call it growing up....anyways....I have been comparing thoughts, my thoughts. What I use to think and what I think now. It amazes me how my opinions have changed over the past couple of years and how we all have grown.

I have been thinking a lot about children lately. That is because children are everywhere. 4 girls at work are pregnant, I have a manager who is a really young mother, and for some reason I have family who reminds me of how old I am and that they can't wait to have grandchildren. I am not ready to have a child in my life and that is because I am selfish. I know by saying this I sound like a horrible person, but at the same time doesn't it make me a responsible adult? I know that I am not at a point in my life where I want to stop everything and concentrate on a human being for the rest of my life. I would not make a good mother right now, I have so much more to accomplish and grow before I could be a good mother. This has just been on my mind lately and I have had a few dreams and they are really weird! Oh and no I have not had any star wars baby dreams!!!

I was having a conversation with my boss the other day and he realized that it has been forever since we have talked. He asked me where I have been, as if I have been in a cave away from the world. I don't have to call him as much, I just get things done peacefully and as quietly as I can. It was really nice to talk to him on the phone and know that he has missed hearing from me. Work seems to be going smoothly for me at least, not for those around me who are making there own problems. I just cut all the bull shit and go directly to what matters and deal with it.

School is well- I am going to be playing catch up this week and try to stay on top of it. Time management did not work out as well as I thought they would this week. I forgot that I had a mid-term due this week and well lets just say it sucked. I will be fine, I just have to do a lot this week and register for classes. It's my own fault, I take full blame for falling behind!!!

Family is well, when I am busy with work and school I get it from both ends. My mom plays her poor me I miss you and I will see you when I see you I know you are busy routine, which I figured out last night when I- OH YES I called her!!! But whatever- I refuse to feel bad at doing what I want in life: going to school and work. Oh and by the way I refuse to make her feel better by hindering my life, ya know? Oh and I am referencing bio mom!
Mom and Dad are good, I don't know if I had the chance to notice this when I was younger but they just balance each other out so well. The picture in my mind right now is of them walking out of our new house going on a date to the movies. I want that- there relationship is so not perfect and they bicker with each other like everyone else does, but they just love each other more than life. They make me think that a love does exhist, I have been pretty much skeptical for most of my life. Know now that it was not love that couldn't hold my parents together it was compramise and lack or repspect for one another keeping them apart.

It's a wonderful day even though it's nigh time

Tonight I feel so at peace with myself. I have been getting some things taken care of and it is just so nice to feel productive at times. I am still having trouble at work and I am still trying to learn how to deal with these situations properly. Have you ever been in the room and gotten a bad vibe from someone? I did yesterday and it seems like it was still there today after words were spoken. It's not always about me so- who knows what is going on!
Today we had our 44Th president sworn into office, and I could not have been more happier. I will remember this day forever- the joy that I felt on election day is still alive in my heart tonight. I turned on the TV this afternoon and President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama got out of their car and walked a couple miles Pennsylvania Avenue. I was so proud to see that moment, and at the same time I was worried that someone might have tried to kill our new president. There is just so much hate in this world and so many racist fucks who can not stand to have a black man in control of our country. Ignorance is not bliss, it is just plain stupidity if you ask me.