Straight Out Of My Finger Tips

I can't just wait for this life to happen, I know this and I have known this for some time. At times wishing, hoping, and dreaming seems so much easier than actually taking charge and making it happen. Just like most people in this world I do what I feel like doing most of the time, I make my decisions on what I want to do. I base a lot of my decisions around what type of mood I am in or how I feel. Of course I have always had to do things I didn't want to but lately (in the past year or two) I have found myself forcing myself to do what I don't want or particularly like to do to get what I want. (bad grammar, oh i know!) It's like getting out of bed in the morning and starting your day, no one really wants to get out of bed- but we all do. We get up because we want to live, not just because we have to. It doesn't matter if you are going to the worst job in the world, you drag yourself out of bed and go to work because you need the money to make your life better, to provide for your family, to make ends meet, to have something to do, or simply because you have a passion for it. Nothing worth having comes easy. I remind myself of this every time I want to give up. Lately I have been wanting to give up on a lot of things in my life to be honest with everyone including myself. I really have not been wanting to deal with one of the biggest battles in my life which is my weight and my diabetes. How do you take 23 years of self abuse and have to change them in one day? Well that is basically what I was told or what I heard from my doctors last year at this time. Like most things I started out really pro-active and then I was so fucking angry, angry with my genes and mostly at myself. I am not only mad but disappointed in myself when I think of the many steps that I could have take towards not having to incorporate this disease in my life. It's not like I just ate myself into diabetes, it runs heavily on both sides of my family and until last year I didn't even know that is was heavy on my father's side. I am over weight, yes I do own a mirror, and this weight is a major contributor to my diabetes. Oh and just so you know fat people do not have to be nice, I have heard that comment before and I wanted to set the record straight! The scary part is that having two doctors tell me that loosing weight will not cure me of my diabetes, it will just make is more manageable. MORE MANAGEABLE....I mean WTF, or at least that is what I was thinking at the time. I should have thought, at least I am still healthy enough to grab a hold of this disease and not let it control or get the best of me. Hopefully loosing the weight will help me lower or get rid of all the med's that I am on. What also scares me is that I remember reading an article shortly after I was diagnosed and it stated that diabetes is a progressive disease. I think I just stopped everything for 5 minutes and kept on reading the same sentence over and over again. I thought to myself, I am going to die because I will never be able to get rid of this. I remember being 5 and going to West Virginia for my Aunt Wanda's funeral, she was a diabetic and was on dialysis for 20 plus years. I just don't understand why it was never talked about, why we never spoke of it. Why I wasn't educated on my family history, but I wonder if I would have even listened or given it a second thought. I would have probably ignored the advice and just thought that will never happen to me. So after I have spent so much time being angry and depressed and confused and lost I feel like I am just coming out of it all. I have self educated myself on so many things and I have asked so many questions, but there is still so much more I can do for myself. It's amazing how I never could see how you wouldn't want to take medicine to get better or take the steps to feel better even when you life depended on it, and now I see. It's so much about control and your emotions. I never understood until now how hard it has to be to have had this all your life. I know two wonderful people that are really close to me who struggle with Type one diabetes every day, and after having this for one year (and it's not as bad as it could be) I wanted to just stop trying a couple of months ago. Sometimes with all that there is to balance I just want stop, but that is me getting stressed out and being overwhelmed. So I woke up from a really bad dream one day and I had a really bad night sleeping and my sugar was crazy high and then it got crazy low. It was probably the worst I have ever felt and I could barely walk to the bathroom because my feet were hurting so bad. My arm was numb and my vision was blurry at the same time. I was scared and just felt horrible all at the same time. I have seen people at work and in my personal life have this disease destroy them, and as much as I didn't want to admit to myself I was doing the same thing. After that night and the next day trying to get back to normal I had enough of everything and even though I knew all of the facts, it's like I was finally able to absorb them, or make them actually matter. I feel more focused on my health right now than I have ever been. I'm not angry or scared anymore, I can't change what has happened so all I can do is take steps toward in improving my life and making better decision. I don't really ever talk about this, so don't be surprised after you read this blog. I have a great support system in my life with my family and my friends who are family. My best friend and flat mate means the world to me and I don't think after this weekend there is anything that I can't tell her or trust into her. Alison is one of my greatest friends and we fight, we laugh, we love each other, we have the best and worst times. I know that no matter where I go in life she will always be there even if it is by way of phone or via email. So last year I lost 30 pounds and this year I want to loose more. I want to loose 40 pounds by the end of this year and I am trying to focus on it more and more each day. It's kind of tricky because I can't just starve myself (not a good idea anyways) I have to keep my sugar levels in good range so learning to eat small, healthy meals has been a challenge for me. Today I was back on the diet my nutritionist and I planned out. I am starting to get back on track, it is just hard, to always make the healthy decisions even though it is worth it in the end. As much as I talk to people in my support system I am trying to learn as much as I can so I don't repeat mistakes, personal growth is very important to me and I refuse to live my life always settling for things. I want to make the best of this life, so it makes sense to always want to try. I know that my mom (bio) and I are different but I am really scared to end up like her, and in her set of mind. It's hard to explain how you can love someone so much who always is so critical of you and hurts you all the time. If it was anyone different I would just be able to cut them off completely- I am and have learned to keep my distance. So for now I am trying my hardest to stay focused on what is important to me, and life really happens while your not paying attention.