I don't understand why I feel so bad

It just doesn't make any sense to me, I have these great friends and great family (most of them). We throw parties, we go on vacations, and I keep my schedule slammed with stuff to do most of the time. I guess my real question is why do I feel so unsatisfied and lonely all of the time? I just had a pretty good day, it would rank a 9 in my book and yet here I sit feeling just horrible and all alone in this world. It doesn't make sense and I've tried to shake these feelings off for the past couple of weeks now, but I am simply running out of solutions. I don't like feeling like this, mostly because I am feeling completely vulnerable and insecure. So I am just trying to figure all of this out.

and I'm free, free falling, falling

I am in my bed right now with only the computer light and a John Mayer song on to keep me company. I feel like I am on my way to finding what I truly want to do with my life. I love my job because I am good at it and I want to have a career, but school and life have seemed everlasting for the past couple of years. Taking breaks because of financial needs or medical reasons have been without a doubt a pain but that is all a part of life. I am starting back school this coming up fall and I do believe that I will be hitting the books hard this time. I am going to finish college and put my degree to use, and I can’t let anyone get in my way (not even me). Next summer I plan on going out of town for 2 months and going on a road trip across The United States of America. I am not telling that many people about it;because I feel like I am going to get back a lot of negativity, and that will just discourage me from something that I really want to do. When I say that I am not telling a lot of people I don’t mean via Internet,people at work and or people that don’t have any business in telling me how and what I should do with my life. I have wanted for some time to go on a road trip across the United States but it hasn’t been a possibility for me to go because of money or school or whatever. So my goal for the rest of this year is to pay off my hospital bills, credit cards, and get myself to start saving some serious cash. I have 2 credit cards to pay off and a couple of really big fucking hospital bills. While I am on this trip next year I plan on having the greatest time but, making something of it. I want to write a book about this traveling experience, take pictures, have video documentary, and an on line blog to document everything. All of these things are really big goals and dreams and I’m going to reach them in some way. For this past month I have been focusing on a part of my life that I really never gave too much thought to because it never seemed that important. I guess I need to be honest with myself and just come out and say it. I get lonely just like everyone else, my problem is I don’t really have or make time for intimate relationships. I hang with my family, friends, and I don’t go to bars (not the best place to find a man just a good fucking time). It’s not that this girldoesn’t want some lovin (not just sex) or a boyfriend I keep my time occupied most of the time. I had a friend remind me of who I was the other day and for most of the week and I think she is coming back to life. I love to write and I always have so I want to publish books (especially one about this trip) but, will it pay the bills? I think that in life all we can do is be happy and help others reach the same goal. I know that right now if I don’t take this trip, I will never have a chance to do this without more strings attached or responsibilities. I’m 24 and before I know it I will be buying a house, getting engaged, getting married, planning a family, having kids, raising kids, working to death, and then hopefully I will be able to travel more. I know I am not old, I am suck a kid- but if I don’t start spending my time being happy, and going on adventures before I know it this life will pass me by. I refuse to work myself to death and not get to experience what life is about. One of my goals is to start going back to church. There was a point and time in my life when I would go to church all of the time, and it wasn’t just because my mom was making me. I enjoyed the people I was around and the life lessons I was learning. In the past few weeks when I have thought to myself I feel so lost, I had a voice inside of me say…”you need to go back to church, this is why you are so lost.” I have so many things that we are dreaming about doing, so I am going to stop dreaming and try and put them into motion.

sitting here contemplating my next move!!!

I feel like I can't seem to find my groove or my stride in doing things. I have my routines, especially at work- I just feel all mixed up right now, I need to focus and pay attention to what is going on. I feel so mixed up and I have just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, of course I am not sure what the hell I would be screaming.
Work seems to be just going, I am struggling to control our labor and food costs. Summer is upon us and next month minimum wage is going up, and as much as I hate to admit it we are going to have to do a price increase. We have to be able to pay our bills and not kill our bottom line. It's been over a year since our last price increase so, we are due..I guess:( I am just glad that I have been able to make time while I am at work to get things done with paperwork and orders. I can get behind at work really easily, especially when I have 4-5 days off in a row...NIGHTMARE! I have plenty of things to get ready for with our new LTO and the normal paperwork.
It would be nice to have a break and get away from this place, but I do not see it happening at all. :( So tonight is another night at work- which will be good to get some cleaning and paperwork done!

Straight Out Of My Finger Tips

I can't just wait for this life to happen, I know this and I have known this for some time. At times wishing, hoping, and dreaming seems so much easier than actually taking charge and making it happen. Just like most people in this world I do what I feel like doing most of the time, I make my decisions on what I want to do. I base a lot of my decisions around what type of mood I am in or how I feel. Of course I have always had to do things I didn't want to but lately (in the past year or two) I have found myself forcing myself to do what I don't want or particularly like to do to get what I want. (bad grammar, oh i know!) It's like getting out of bed in the morning and starting your day, no one really wants to get out of bed- but we all do. We get up because we want to live, not just because we have to. It doesn't matter if you are going to the worst job in the world, you drag yourself out of bed and go to work because you need the money to make your life better, to provide for your family, to make ends meet, to have something to do, or simply because you have a passion for it. Nothing worth having comes easy. I remind myself of this every time I want to give up. Lately I have been wanting to give up on a lot of things in my life to be honest with everyone including myself. I really have not been wanting to deal with one of the biggest battles in my life which is my weight and my diabetes. How do you take 23 years of self abuse and have to change them in one day? Well that is basically what I was told or what I heard from my doctors last year at this time. Like most things I started out really pro-active and then I was so fucking angry, angry with my genes and mostly at myself. I am not only mad but disappointed in myself when I think of the many steps that I could have take towards not having to incorporate this disease in my life. It's not like I just ate myself into diabetes, it runs heavily on both sides of my family and until last year I didn't even know that is was heavy on my father's side. I am over weight, yes I do own a mirror, and this weight is a major contributor to my diabetes. Oh and just so you know fat people do not have to be nice, I have heard that comment before and I wanted to set the record straight! The scary part is that having two doctors tell me that loosing weight will not cure me of my diabetes, it will just make is more manageable. MORE MANAGEABLE....I mean WTF, or at least that is what I was thinking at the time. I should have thought, at least I am still healthy enough to grab a hold of this disease and not let it control or get the best of me. Hopefully loosing the weight will help me lower or get rid of all the med's that I am on. What also scares me is that I remember reading an article shortly after I was diagnosed and it stated that diabetes is a progressive disease. I think I just stopped everything for 5 minutes and kept on reading the same sentence over and over again. I thought to myself, I am going to die because I will never be able to get rid of this. I remember being 5 and going to West Virginia for my Aunt Wanda's funeral, she was a diabetic and was on dialysis for 20 plus years. I just don't understand why it was never talked about, why we never spoke of it. Why I wasn't educated on my family history, but I wonder if I would have even listened or given it a second thought. I would have probably ignored the advice and just thought that will never happen to me. So after I have spent so much time being angry and depressed and confused and lost I feel like I am just coming out of it all. I have self educated myself on so many things and I have asked so many questions, but there is still so much more I can do for myself. It's amazing how I never could see how you wouldn't want to take medicine to get better or take the steps to feel better even when you life depended on it, and now I see. It's so much about control and your emotions. I never understood until now how hard it has to be to have had this all your life. I know two wonderful people that are really close to me who struggle with Type one diabetes every day, and after having this for one year (and it's not as bad as it could be) I wanted to just stop trying a couple of months ago. Sometimes with all that there is to balance I just want stop, but that is me getting stressed out and being overwhelmed. So I woke up from a really bad dream one day and I had a really bad night sleeping and my sugar was crazy high and then it got crazy low. It was probably the worst I have ever felt and I could barely walk to the bathroom because my feet were hurting so bad. My arm was numb and my vision was blurry at the same time. I was scared and just felt horrible all at the same time. I have seen people at work and in my personal life have this disease destroy them, and as much as I didn't want to admit to myself I was doing the same thing. After that night and the next day trying to get back to normal I had enough of everything and even though I knew all of the facts, it's like I was finally able to absorb them, or make them actually matter. I feel more focused on my health right now than I have ever been. I'm not angry or scared anymore, I can't change what has happened so all I can do is take steps toward in improving my life and making better decision. I don't really ever talk about this, so don't be surprised after you read this blog. I have a great support system in my life with my family and my friends who are family. My best friend and flat mate means the world to me and I don't think after this weekend there is anything that I can't tell her or trust into her. Alison is one of my greatest friends and we fight, we laugh, we love each other, we have the best and worst times. I know that no matter where I go in life she will always be there even if it is by way of phone or via email. So last year I lost 30 pounds and this year I want to loose more. I want to loose 40 pounds by the end of this year and I am trying to focus on it more and more each day. It's kind of tricky because I can't just starve myself (not a good idea anyways) I have to keep my sugar levels in good range so learning to eat small, healthy meals has been a challenge for me. Today I was back on the diet my nutritionist and I planned out. I am starting to get back on track, it is just hard, to always make the healthy decisions even though it is worth it in the end. As much as I talk to people in my support system I am trying to learn as much as I can so I don't repeat mistakes, personal growth is very important to me and I refuse to live my life always settling for things. I want to make the best of this life, so it makes sense to always want to try. I know that my mom (bio) and I are different but I am really scared to end up like her, and in her set of mind. It's hard to explain how you can love someone so much who always is so critical of you and hurts you all the time. If it was anyone different I would just be able to cut them off completely- I am and have learned to keep my distance. So for now I am trying my hardest to stay focused on what is important to me, and life really happens while your not paying attention.

so what do I not need to care for him to?