My dad's Laugh and Mine

Like so many other nights I am sitting on the couch in my parents house and we are watching the boob tube (as my dad calls it!) and when I start laughing I realize that I have the same laugh as my dad. It's crazy what traits or characteristics you pick up from your parents.

someone asked me.

Walking around in this quiet apartment this question stopped me dead in my tracks. Are you going to miss this apartment when you move. Before I even had a moment to really think about it I said not really. Then when I realized that I had just blurted it out I still have the same answer not really. Don't misunderstand me, I have had a great time living living here- I have really grown into a more responsible person here. We have had great parties, bbq's, game nights, and many other events. Laughter has bounced off these walls, tears have been shed and life has just been lead. Still I have no attachment to this apartment. I'm done here, it's just a place where I once was. Soon it will be like I was never here and I will have been forgotten like those before me.

I'm looking at empty walls

School is out for 5 days. I have 5 days of freedom before I am back at the normal grind again! YEAH!!! It feels really nice to have that load off of my shoulders.
This weekend's goal is to get moved into the new house. Talk about being a little overwhelmed. I never knew how much stuff I owned, it's amazing how much someone can inherit in 2 years. I am about to move again, and to tell you the truth I am tired of moving. I really do not want to move ever again but I know that I will. So hopefully it will not be for a long time after this move. It seems to finally be coming together at the new house and it looks nice. The only thing I don't like is that my mom feels like she has more of a reason to call me all the time now. I don't want to deal with any of her shit that she likes to nag me about. Yeah I wish she would realize that I am all grown up and I don't need her to tell me what to do anymore. It has been a long time since I have needed her help.
Allison went to Las Vegas and had a great time, it was fun to look at all of her pictures yesterday at the meeting. I am getting sick and tired of one of my managers and she just makes me want to kill her. I talk and talk to her about how she should be running things and it's like it never sinks in to her fucking brain. She is probably pissed off at me because I would not work for her on Monday night but I could care less, because I have a life and I am not going to work 14 hours when she just has a little tummy ache. I don't even know why I bother with her sometimes, and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs most of the time. I am ready for the meeting this Thursday and I am glad that I will be able to see the other managers and Brad.
The congressional address is on tonight and the only thing that I hate about it is all the time for the clapping- seriously annoying. Why can't he just give his speech without all the clapping and starting and stopping.
I got a mini Mini Cooper catalog in yesterday- it's amazing. I know that everyone hates me talking about that car but I don't care! I want one of those cars and it will be forever before I can afford one of them but who knows!

stuck between my shadow and me

I have yet to start my packing. Honestly I will do it when I get a chance, and at the moment it seems like NEVER! I feel really stuck right now trying to get my school work done each week and trying to do a million other things. I am ready to get into this new house I just wish that it was done and over with. If you haven't guessed it I hate moving- but this time it will be worth it. I am ready for a long stay, and I am going to be so glad to have my bedroom on the ground floor.
There are so many things that I have to get done this month, and one of them is my taxes!!! I have been waiting to finish them because of other statements coming in the mail. Finally they are all here, hopefully I will be able to get out of bed early enough on Friday and get them in.
Saturday is V-day...so what are you doing? I am chilling with my siblings! We are going to play games and hopefully I will be able to finish my homework.
I can't believe that tomorrow is already Thursday, this week has just flown right by. Last week was too fucking busy, and this week isn't slower at all. I am going to die at the age of 25 from stress and killing myself trying to do everything I want at once.

Karen doesn't look up to me anymore, I just felt my heart break a little

So I love my professor for my student services class. He is always emailing us these great little phrases, so I thought I would share one or two.

"Great acting is being able to create a character. Great character is being able to be yourself", by John Leguizamo.

"It's tempting to sit and wait for life to come to you. But it can't, it's too busy. Life is out there. You have to go for it [and earn it]", by Harry Beckwith.

I have always had to deal with people who judged me either by the way that I look or anything that they were jealous of. Even when I would go home my mother, Lorena was so critical and judgemental of me because of the way I looked or what I was doing with my life. It is a horrible feeling to feel this way and I hate that right now at the wonderful age of 23 I am being put in this position at my dads house. I have never felt this way here and yet today I have let my little sister do this to me and pass judgement on my life. I am furious with her and with myself. Since moving out of my mother's house I have learned to be myself more and not concentrate on what other people think as much. We all have our insecurities and we all have to deal and live with them. I just can't stand this feeling.

Listening to Good Music and Feeling the Warmth

I wonder if we realize how complicated or how much impact are decisions have on each other? We mean things one way or make specific actions for one reason and it has so many other meanings or perceptions to other people. I am constantly thinking of when you point a finger at someone, three are pointing back in your direction. I am trying to put myself in others positions and not be so judgemental all of the time. I mean think about it...how many times do you think or say I would never do that or that is wrong. Now honestly put yourself in another position or put up different circumstances and do you really know how you would react? The truth of the matter is, the real answer is you don't know. What you do know is what you would like to think you would do. We all have beliefs and I am not saying that on some of them that you would budge in any form of the situation, however we are not guaranteed tomorrow and you never know until you are faced with some of the hardest situations.

I have been thinking and I guess you could call it growing up....anyways....I have been comparing thoughts, my thoughts. What I use to think and what I think now. It amazes me how my opinions have changed over the past couple of years and how we all have grown.

I have been thinking a lot about children lately. That is because children are everywhere. 4 girls at work are pregnant, I have a manager who is a really young mother, and for some reason I have family who reminds me of how old I am and that they can't wait to have grandchildren. I am not ready to have a child in my life and that is because I am selfish. I know by saying this I sound like a horrible person, but at the same time doesn't it make me a responsible adult? I know that I am not at a point in my life where I want to stop everything and concentrate on a human being for the rest of my life. I would not make a good mother right now, I have so much more to accomplish and grow before I could be a good mother. This has just been on my mind lately and I have had a few dreams and they are really weird! Oh and no I have not had any star wars baby dreams!!!

I was having a conversation with my boss the other day and he realized that it has been forever since we have talked. He asked me where I have been, as if I have been in a cave away from the world. I don't have to call him as much, I just get things done peacefully and as quietly as I can. It was really nice to talk to him on the phone and know that he has missed hearing from me. Work seems to be going smoothly for me at least, not for those around me who are making there own problems. I just cut all the bull shit and go directly to what matters and deal with it.

School is well- I am going to be playing catch up this week and try to stay on top of it. Time management did not work out as well as I thought they would this week. I forgot that I had a mid-term due this week and well lets just say it sucked. I will be fine, I just have to do a lot this week and register for classes. It's my own fault, I take full blame for falling behind!!!

Family is well, when I am busy with work and school I get it from both ends. My mom plays her poor me I miss you and I will see you when I see you I know you are busy routine, which I figured out last night when I- OH YES I called her!!! But whatever- I refuse to feel bad at doing what I want in life: going to school and work. Oh and by the way I refuse to make her feel better by hindering my life, ya know? Oh and I am referencing bio mom!
Mom and Dad are good, I don't know if I had the chance to notice this when I was younger but they just balance each other out so well. The picture in my mind right now is of them walking out of our new house going on a date to the movies. I want that- there relationship is so not perfect and they bicker with each other like everyone else does, but they just love each other more than life. They make me think that a love does exhist, I have been pretty much skeptical for most of my life. Know now that it was not love that couldn't hold my parents together it was compramise and lack or repspect for one another keeping them apart.