I should know who I am by now.

Tonight I find myself thinking of everything that I miss. Most of all I miss the people who have moved on or who have been left behind. For some reason I stop each time I go to far with my thoughts and I just think how blessed I am to be here this year, and how blessed my family is this year. Thank God that things are so good this Christmas because this could have been the worst Christmas ever. All I can see is my mom, sitting in her chair in the worst condition in the world and yet she is the life of the party. She over everything in my life has been my center. I do not know if she knows how much she amazes me, but she does.
I find myself at a point that a few years ago I never thought I would be at. I never thought that I would respect or have such a great relationship with some of my parents. Growing up was not the greatest time for me when I live with bio-mom and her drunk boyfriend, but that is the past and why dwell on it. I think that we have all grown and they understand some of the life situations that I find myself in because they have been there. They know that I am a hard worker and I would do anything for them. I never feel like they criticize my decisions and they allow me enough room for me to make my own decisions.

turn the lights back on already

It's just one of those chill days where nothing is rushed and everything around me doesn't matter so much. Christmas is next week, can anyone believe it- next week. I have given a lot of thought lately to what Christmas truly means to me. My views on Christmas have changed yearly and this year I know it is harder for a lot of people because money has been so tight. Christmas hasn't felt the same to me this year because I honestly didn't want to embrace it. Sometimes it feels so much easier to push things away then to be happy and embrace the joy of it all. Christmas has become very commercial but I try not to get caught up in all the hype. I don't ever remember screaming and crying because I did not get what I wanted or making some big deal about a new toy. The things I love about Christmas are pretty simple and this past weekend I was able to get in the spirit by doing a couple of them. When I think of Christmas I think of driving around and looking at the lights on houses around town, baking cookies with my mom, traveling to Tampa to see my family play games, singing Carols at church, decorating the house and a beautiful Christmas Tree. It's so different being older and celebrating Christmas, because rather or not you choose to believe it comes down to money. So homemade gifts were very "IN" this year for me. I would rather receive something made with love anyways. Christmas isn't about Santa or any of that crap anyways. Christmas is about Christ. I remember being little and putting on a play at church. Christmas has always been a great time of year for me, no matter what has been going on. I love it all- especially spending time with my friends and family. I am truly blessed, we all are- rather we have any money this year, it doesn't matter because things could be much worse that they truly are.

Life is hard you just have to buck up and do it?

I spent the day with my mom today and her mood transferred to me. I really want to get into the Christmas spirit, but I am just not fealing it- ya know?
I could blame it on lack of funds but I have had plenty of holidays where money was no where to be found. I have plenty to be thankful for, and yet all I hear in my head is bah..humbug! So....I am trying to shake off this ungrateful bitch attitude and get into the spirit of something- shit even a happy mood would be great. I am feeling totally insecure this week and I hate it, I hate it so much because when I feel like this- I feel as if the whole world knows how I am feeling? (not sure if that makes any sense!)

Today someone was at my store which is cool and all but, I get a phone call from another manager and she is just trying to stir the pot and it is making me just wanna fucking go ape shit on her ass. I just want to say- listen DO NOT try to get me messed up in your feelings and your shit, I do not agree with you and I am not going to talk shit about another manager just because you are not happy with them. I have a job to keep and I can not afford to loose my job right now, and I have more self respect for myself and the other people involved.

This is my third day off in a row and I am ready to get back to work, it has been nice but at the same time I like to keep busy. I have plenty of things to do around here, but my lack of motivation is tanking big time. Shopping today was just not fun. I hate it and there were so many people around I just wanted to scream!!! I think the only thing I have left to do is go to the craft store for the rest of the gifts I am going to make. I need some material and beads.

I am taking some of my personal days off around Christmas time, or at least I had planned on it...Who knows. I might not even take time off, it really depends on how I feel this year. I know that my mom and I are baking soon. I think it will be on the 22ND. For the holidays I plan on staying kind of drunk, maybe it will make things seem better!!! I know who to call if I want to get totally wasted!

Don't Pass It Up You Just Might Like It...!

I am starting to think that I am the most impatient person in the whole world. From my driving to life events it's like nothing comes to me fast enough. This week at work might be interesting and it might be a little bit of a break for me, maybe one that I need. I am just getting so fucking tired of everyone telling who to be, what I need to do, and telling me what is wrong with what I am or have been doing. When I try to talk to have someone listen all I get is fucking feedback and it doesn't matter who it is from. Most of the time I just find myself in silence not wanting to think about the real problems going on. I thought that I had someone that I could in trust things in but we all have our own problems to deal with. I know that Thursday will bring a lot of change with a meeting with what we are calling the Big 3. Change, we all deal with change differently...for me no one deals with change in a good way if it is a change that you do not like. What it comes down to is I am trying not to think about it too much, except that previous experiences have lead me to believe otherwise. (oh I'm still talking about work) On Wednesday and Saturday I will not be working where I am assigned on our schedule which is fine with me and then again it's not. What I need to be is thankful that I actually have a job right now unlike so many Americans.
This past week brought me down a little, but I just need to pick myself up off the floor and move on. It's like I have been going on along improving and making thing better and then BOOM brick wall! I guess the best test is to see how you handle the situations that are placed in front of you.

The downtown lights still amaze me and I'm 23

This is straight from the diary.....

Today I want to be able to get a lot of things done. I have not been at home in a while and things are quite messy and I think I might actually break out the Christmas decorations, even though I said I wasn’t going to. Maybe that will put me in a better mood and more of the Christmas spirit. This year really doesn’t seem like the holidays. I don’t know if it because we are all so broke because of the economy or because we are all so tired form an exhausting year.
On Saturday we went to Lowes and picked out all the paint colors for the rooms at the new house. Dennis is letting us paint and get things together early, I love that we are going to have the coolest place ever to live in. The parties are going to be awesome; oh they are going to be so awesome. I have to get ready for my spring semester at Saint Leo today and tomorrow. I have been putting off so many things lately and I hate when I do that. At this time of year I love driving around down town and the neighborhoods, I love the decorations and lights.
I can't believe how late it is already, I should grab some lunch and get going with todays events.