It's puddle jumpinng time again in Florida

I love it right now, the rain just keeps on falling and I was truly surprised to hear it falling down when I woke up this afternoon. It made me want to stay in my bed for the rest of the day. I don't mind the rain unless I have a fun filled day planed outside of the house (IE: going to the beach or a theme park)

Work seems to go much better without Nicole and I can't really say that I miss her when I don't. I don't miss her headaches and her not being able to manage her job at the store. I will miss her jokes and laughs, but I really could care less because it is making my life much more easy in the long run.

I am ready for a trip, but it doesn't look like I will be getting one any time soon. The reality of me not getting a vacation is starting to sink in and it sucks majorly. It's not because I don't have the funds or the time, right now our entire company can't manage sparing anyone. Hopefully by June I will be able to start really training Chris for management. Next week I am going to start training him as a cashier. Last year I was training 2 managers and now one of them is gone and I am left with one. What a waste of time it has turned out to be.

what's your problem or what is the matter with you?

So this afternoon I get a call from my boss and at first she asks if I am busy or if it is my day off. As I proceed to tell her it is my day off she basically doesn't give a flying fuck because she starts a conversation with me about work and what is going on with me and my store.

The conversations starts with I don't like that you treat me differently than you use to. I have had a conversation with my other boss about this and well, to a certain point I do. All last summer the bills were not paid on time and I had to deal with bill collectors because this person did not feel like doing there job. I am and have been told by one of my bosses to keep food costs down, because of the bottom line and how much it is effecting our P&L. While on the other hand 3-4 times a week we are handing out food at lets say 40-60 dollars each time and it is not being held accountable for.

During this whole conversation I am being told that I am not being placed in the middle, but in all reality I am because that conversation puts me in the middle of their relationship and their problems. When she comes into my store and yells at me because my other boss asked me a question about her and a conversation that we had and I told this person what they wanted to know. I am not going to lie to my boss.

I tried to reassure her that I don't have a problem with her, and for the most part I don't have a problem with her, she has just changed in the last year or two and I don't know how to act around her.

She is not the only person that has a life outside of work, and over the last year a lot of things have changed for me too. I am feeling really frustrated because I am being put in the middle of this divorce and I know that to say anything about this conversation would just make it worse. I know that tomorrow I will see one of them and as badly as I want to say something to him I can't. I don't like this keeping secrets bull shit and I am not going to take it for long.

Today after I was on the phone with her for a while I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and put in my 2 weeks notice. I have worked very hard for this company for 6 years and after this week and after this phone call I just wanted to give up. I don't think anyone understood here and it doesn't make any sense to care this much if you are on the outside looking in.

I need to stop taking my work home with me, because I can see the change and I am not happy with the way that I feel outside of work.

Saturday was Nicole's last day at work and well, based on her work performance all I can think of is what a relief. Her laziness doesn't surprise me at all, not one bit. Saturday night I was in the middle of a computer crisis and she wanted to go home early. She couldn't keep the store running and help me out she had to go get a new cell phone and gtfo. Unlike Nicole I am able to separate my personal life from my job, last Saturday she made that meeting so fucking personal and I believe I had to stop her so many times to show her how she was. The reason why I am so upset with her and the management situation is because I see her failure as a reflection on me to a certain point.

I am feeling better than at the beginning of this week and I am hoping that this chest cold will be gone very very soon. I am not the greatest person to be around when I am sick, and it figures that the week that I have to work more and harder I am sick!!!

Mom is not doing well at all, and this week was no different. Last week she had to take 2 days off of work and this week she didn't get to rest at all. There is nothing that I can do or say anymore, it's a waste of my breath. So like normal we worry and pray for the best.

My grandmother came up from Tampa today, and it looks like I will be getting a double dose of them this week. I am not going to spend my day off dealing with all of that, I can do it on Wednesday morning or a little later this week. They want to go see a movie and go to lunch. I can handle them in small doses ONLY!!

Sometimes I get to the point where I am so mad at myself and at other things in my life that I feel as if I can't talk about them. I kind of just retreat and learn to deal with it on my own. I don't want to be the person who is whining all the time.

I could go for some cold asian food about right now, like yummy time huh?

Oh holy shit my pants man this has been the week of just mental strength. Today I think that I could have used more mental strength and today I just wanted to cry because I had reached my limit. I clocked out with 44 hours at my store and 6 hours at the mall store for the week. Oh holy shit I have been making 24.00 for the last 10 hours I worked. I seriously hope that it doesn't kill my labor costs and our bottom line for the quarter.

I am starting to feel a little lost and all of these loose ends in my life does not help me feel secure with anything. It has been a long week- I should just let it all go and start fresh when I get up later today. My communication skills have seen better days this week and I am finding myself getting more and more frustrated with mainly myself.

I am happy because Sunday is my day off and I am happy because I don't have any plans.

alison

thanks for making me open the door.
thanks for making me hug you.
thanks for understanding.
thanks for being you.
thanks for sittin on the floor with me in the dark.
thanks for making me laugh.
thanks for getting me my frozen eye patch, even though it burned my eyes.
thanks for making the jokes about Karen (you know who!)
thanks for everything you do.
thanks for listening to everything.
thanks for trying to be objective.
thanks for making me feel better.
thanks for letting me dump my problems in your lap.
thanks for being my best friend.
thanks for loving me like you do.
thanks for it all.

I'm Tired of it all

I have to spell it out for him or I just fucked it all up. We are not going to the movies, we are not really friends, I know I am his boss, we flirt at work all the time, he is always asking questions about my life, and I don't know what to do. I am not going to ask him on a date again. It really makes me think either he is really fucking stupid or it's me and nothing is ever going to happen. I am worth a date, shit at least I feel like I am. It's been too long since I have been on a date. I mean come on, I am just going to leave it alone and act like it's not there. It will work itself out in time I guess. It's hard to explain but it feels like I will not get my happy ending sometimes and I know I am just being foolish but it just does.
My sugar has been running high all day- probably because I have been so stressed out over a number of things. I am done with my life right now, I am done with me and this stupid life. I am done with Kevin, my family (all of them), Nicole, mother's day, my health, and probably just work in general. Honestly I am just so tired of trying and trying and trying and trying. I just feel like breaking down and crying I just feel like giving up. Tonight I am too sensitive and everything that I am told in harsh tones or if they are just joking makes me feel worse.
I am tired of Carol not being able to get any better. I am tired of her acting like her health is not a big deal. I am tired of her running herself into the ground trying to do for others. I am so tired of her family acting like everything is okay when it truly isn't. I am tired of her inconsiderate fucking sister and all her bull shit. I hate that she has had to go through this and I hate the fact that all of this has happened.
I have to go to the bathroom now.

THIS is a total FML moment

For the past month I have had this ooober crush on a guy at work, I have even taken it so far as to ask him out on a date. Of course he had other plans that night and so did I so nothing came of it. So I have left it up to him from now on because I didn't want to seem over eager to go on a date with him. So yesterday at work I came in a little hung over and extremely tired. My crush decided to torment me about this for most of the morning and even had one of the delivery guys in on it. During the morning hazing ritual I was experiencing he asks me if I had seen the new X-Men movie. My response was "I'm supposed to go and see it with my mom." He looked at the floor and said "Oh, yeah I told my mom I would go to the movies with her too." He was asking me out on a date and I was too friggin hung over to let it happen. Of course as the words are leaving my mouth my brain is yelling "shut the fuck up you tard!" Fuck My Life, I wonder if he will ask again?!?!

If your happy and you know it clap your hands (there are no claps on my end right now)

Things right now feel like a crazy serious mess. I pretty much feel just warn out mentally and physically. Work is not going well at all, especially with Nicole. She did not get her schedule request for Monday (schedule request is not a promise) and she put in her 2 weeks notice. Where I am at right now I could care less, I have given up and her quitting has been a relief to me. It's not the greatest place to be , and we are both at the point where we just want to give up. When the truth of the matter is we both have to try harder but I refuse to stop calling her out on her shit. I'm so frustrated that I can't sleep right now, and I am wondering how things are going to go on Thursday when we sit down and talk. She doesn't even want to talk which to me means that she doesn't want to step up and take some fucking responsibility for her damn actions. What it all comes down to is that we are both at fault in many ways and we have to work something out because I can't work like this anymore, and either I am going to leave or she is. The part that sucks is that it has come to this, and it makes me feel like a failure at what I do. I understand that I am not, but it doesn't make me feel good.