what is done in vain, the truth you will have to swallow

Some of the people at work can just aggravate me to NO end at all. I found myself wanting to pull out my hair because of one person inparticular today. It really annoys me when I think how gooooood of a day we could have had but, because someone can't handle themselves it was just shitty. Arghhh. Okay and that is all that I have to say about that.

I can't believe how much there is to do today, and for the rest of this week. Tomorrow night will be crazy after I get off of work I have things to do around town still and I have to bake, Oh man I think I try to do too much sometimes. Thursday is Thanks Giving and I am cooking things for 2 places, yeah that is going to be fun. I just have to plan out my day better.

I want to be able to get a good night sleep and have fun and relax on Thanks Giving Day. Last year durring the Holidays I did too much and things really sucked. I have to be at my moms by 10:30 to help her finish cooking and we are eating around 12 in the afternoon. I will probably leave there after 3, mom and I will play games while Dennis sleeps in the chair. Hopefully we will be able to plan out our Christmas baking junk.

I am ready for game night, it will be a lot of fun....it always is!!!

Live to tell the story

I think that we all get to points where we think we have nothing left to give. In the past few months I have felt like this almost every day. I have felt like crying everydayor so stressed out that I could hardly breath. I am moving past most of it and waking myself up to the fact that I can only make myself happy. No matter how hard I try no one will ever be satisfied all the time. I can't contol what others do and just because they say things doesn't make them true. I don't want to fake it, I don't want to put on this show that my world is okay when it isn't. So I am not going to fake it anymore, I am going to be happy with me and my life. Yes, horrible things are going on in my world, your world, everywhere. The truth is life is too short to be angry and sad all of the time, and being happy doesn't mean that you don't care or you are not making the right decisions in your life. Keeping my feelings inside gets me back to feeling even more empty and frustrated. In my mind this is all making sense but if it doesn't at least I will know what I am talking about. I told someone tonight that I didn't want to get married but that wasn't me talking that was my fear. I have let fear talk for me for too long and I need to get past it.

Emotionally Fucked

I get to the point where I am just so fucking tired of trying to deal with all of this bull shit. Cancer=Bull Shit. It feels like it will never end, with the good news comes the bad. I hate it and when I say hate I fucking mean it. I can't stand all of this. I thought that I was a much stronger person than I was and well I guess I'm not strong at all, it was made up in my head a long time ago. This is one of the hardest things that I have ever delt with and I don't think anyone besides my family and 2 other people realizes it. I hate the question of hows Carol, I know that they just care. I don't like talking about it most of the time. When it comes down to it I don't know what I would do without Carol in my life. She is the mom that I need. I didn't realize how angry I truly was until this week. I hate that this sucks so much, I hate all of it. I hate it...I hate it....I hate it...I hate it. It's so hard to go over to the house and be positive and not feel bad, but I have every day since May of this year. I unlike some others in my messed up family realize that this whole situation is NOT about me, or the kids, or my dad; it is about MOM. I feel like a part of me has just been ripped out and stomped all over. We are still in for the long hall, it is not close to being over or in some type of clear. We are stuck in this grey area and I wish we were done with it.

Green Lava Lamp Drops

I am hoping that at work and in my personal life people are starting to see and notice the changes that have been happening for the past month. I know that some have noticed and it makes me smile, and yet at the same time it makes me sad to see how messed up things can become. Of course I can not dwell on that, because dwelling on the past never helps. The only thing that I can do is learn from my mistakes and make better decisions as they come along.

If one thing has happened in the past month I have learned to smile more. My outlook on life is changing and with all of the stress in my life I just have to learn how to de-stress more and not hang onto my anger. I can't control so many of the problems in my life, and things are probably not going to get any better. Surley they will not get any easier but, the way that I deal with them and how I react to situations is really what matters.

I guess you could say that I am learning how to embrace life in a more positive way. I still get angry, I still get mad, I still get sad, I am still a person (like duh hello!) but dealing with my life has become a little easier. I have found myself dancing around the room more often, having a smile on my face, wanting to sing to my favorite songs, and feeling genuinely happy. It has to do with my outlook and my outlook on everything has been changing.