The Crazy Storm of My Life

So it's that time again...it's time to get things done and back in order. I can't please everyone and knowing what is more important in life can be very key!!! I will first state that I love my friends, family, and my job. Saying that this has been a long few weeks and situations keep getting more difficult. Knowing that how you come across and the way you handle situations can be the most important way to deal with complications has been very key in the past few months.
Today I have to go into work with a different attitude and get back into the normal swing of things. I will not be able to stay at my store all of next week and I have a lot of work that has been getting delayed. Yesterday at work I found myself very aggravated and I felt like progress with one of my managers had gone backwards. I had to stop myself and bite my tongue more than 5 times yesterday alone and I saw a couple of things that I just wanted to bitch about. To be honest I don't feel like I have been doing very well at my job at all. I have been late about 6 times in the past 2 months, I have not been able to actively pay attention to my store, I have been working at another store that I feel does not care if I help them, I have neglected my family, and I have let my emotions get the best of me and become extremely stressed out.
I am finally finishing this blog....It's Tuesday night after work NOW!!!
I can feel my body starting to get sick again, I think it's another kidney stone and all I can think is that I do not need this right now I have too many hours to work this week for this shit.
Tonight it was nice to be able to catch up with my boss again and let him know how things were going on at the store. We were able to talk for 20-25 minutes and he re-assured me about some of the problems that I have been having. Sometimes it's nice to know that you are doing well at what you do when you are in the middle of the battle!! (I hope that made sense!) If I was feeling better tonight I would have felt like work would have gone better, but things were not bad and we had no complaints. Nick is doing well and I really want to spend as much time as I can with him while training. He is doing such a great job and next week I am going to use him as a float manager and make sure that he is ready to move up in the next couple of weeks. I might be trying to do too many things at once and I really wanted to be able to get Lama going but it is a work in progress. I have not been able to set aside time to concentrate on my to do list for Lama. I want to be able to finish the cards for Valentines on Thursday but, I can already see work will run late tomorrow and Wednesday will be shot by the time I get home at 7pm. So I am hoping to shove so many things into tomorrow and then run over to my store after work at the bell store. Rush home and get all my shit done and organized. After Thursday I have 3 doubles in a row...or at least Saturday will be a double shift if one of my managers does not show up. It's going to suck loosing her if she decides to be stupid but I am not sure what to tell her and both of my boss's know what I have to do on Saturday if she does not show up. I did the payroll today and I have 90 hours in the past two weeks, and that is going to be a nice pay check! It's been a while since I have had a pay check like that and I can't wait to get paid on Tuesday! So I'm just going to concentrate on what needs to be done and get work together. I can't drop the ball right now because I want the Orlando store and I want to keep my sales up at my store.

I'm hating the way I feel, I just hate the way that I feel.

(Dear Fortune Teller, Can You See into the Future? And do I really Want you to?)
I feel that I am a very blessed person and I have so many ideas, tasks, dreams, aspirations, work, life, family, friends, and THINGS that I am involved in. Most people my age are not blessed enough to have been given so many opportunities or just don't do anything with their true potential. I have so many balls up in the air most of the time I don't know if I am coming or going, and I like that about my life. I like the controlled chaos and the busy hustle and bustle of everything. I am a multitasker, full of ambition, and I don't like to slow down for anyone. I love to make people happy and help where I am needed. I am a firm believer in that hard work pays off as long as you are smart about it of course! I just been feeling that I am not happy at the end of the day.
I feel so conflicted with my life right now. I have so many things in my life that I love but I am just not happy sometimes, and I wonder if I am just being ungrateful or selfish. I just get to the point where I just feel emotionally exhausted and I realize that I don't have someone to share my life with. Feeling like this makes me feel foolish and naive and basically retarded, because I never wanted to be the girl who had to have a man in her life. I don't feel like I have to have a man to be happy. What it comes down to is that we all have an emotional need to share their life with someone else. Growing up my mother could not live unless she had a man in her life, and it still makes me sick to my stomach. I saw it as her not being self reliant and I still see it as her not having the self confidence to support herself. She had to have a man take care of her, because she was so incapable of doing that for herself. Which is total bullshit if you ask me, I make my own money and I will be damned if I am going to have someone support me when I am capable of doing it myself. I understand that I am so much different from my mother, but I still have these feelings at times.
I can't stand that I always get the question of do you have a boyfriend, or when are you going to get a boyfriend. I get it from my family all of the time, and I don't have an answer for them. When I get asked that question it makes me feel as if I am doing something wrong. The jokes and insinuation that my best friend is my date doesn't help and on a bad day can be quite hurtful. At Christmas my little brother asked me when I was going to get a boyfriend and stop being single. Not too long ago I saw close family friends and they made the comment of how grown up I was, and then followed it with "We thought you'd be married and having kids by now." It hurt my feelings and still does. I don't know if I am just not deserving of a relationship or it is not my time, I just don't get in relationships. I never have been in a long term relationship and now at the age of 24 I am wondering if I ever will or if it is even worth it. If I could only be blessed enough to find a relationship like Alison and Jon-Michaels. Yes I understand it's not easy to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and relationships are hard work. Nothing worth having in life is easy and if you know me you know I am not afraid of hard work and my life hasn't been easy as pie. Most of the time I end up being the only person at the party who doesn't have a significant other in their life. As girly as this blog is becoming this is me and how I truly feel. I don't want a hug or a pat on the shoulder or someone to say "it will happen one day for you" this is just a part of my life that I have to deal with on my own. I'm not asking for help I deal with my own problems for the most part I just want to be able to vent about my frustrations. This part of my life has been bothering for the past month. Of course the situation at work doesn't help and I am officially giving up and I am not going to pursue a relationship at all. I have done all I can with the work situation and how many times can you ask someone out before your done? So what now right? Well I get up and go to work, and I work on my card company, and I work on editing and putting together a cook book, and I watch the super bowl on Sunday, I pay attention to my medical situation, and I visit my family, pay my bills, and hang out with my friends. I live and if love is around the corner it is and if it's not in the cards for me than it isn't. At the end of the day I have to be happy with one person and that person is me.