Life is hard you just have to buck up and do it?

I spent the day with my mom today and her mood transferred to me. I really want to get into the Christmas spirit, but I am just not fealing it- ya know?
I could blame it on lack of funds but I have had plenty of holidays where money was no where to be found. I have plenty to be thankful for, and yet all I hear in my head is bah..humbug! So....I am trying to shake off this ungrateful bitch attitude and get into the spirit of something- shit even a happy mood would be great. I am feeling totally insecure this week and I hate it, I hate it so much because when I feel like this- I feel as if the whole world knows how I am feeling? (not sure if that makes any sense!)

Today someone was at my store which is cool and all but, I get a phone call from another manager and she is just trying to stir the pot and it is making me just wanna fucking go ape shit on her ass. I just want to say- listen DO NOT try to get me messed up in your feelings and your shit, I do not agree with you and I am not going to talk shit about another manager just because you are not happy with them. I have a job to keep and I can not afford to loose my job right now, and I have more self respect for myself and the other people involved.

This is my third day off in a row and I am ready to get back to work, it has been nice but at the same time I like to keep busy. I have plenty of things to do around here, but my lack of motivation is tanking big time. Shopping today was just not fun. I hate it and there were so many people around I just wanted to scream!!! I think the only thing I have left to do is go to the craft store for the rest of the gifts I am going to make. I need some material and beads.

I am taking some of my personal days off around Christmas time, or at least I had planned on it...Who knows. I might not even take time off, it really depends on how I feel this year. I know that my mom and I are baking soon. I think it will be on the 22ND. For the holidays I plan on staying kind of drunk, maybe it will make things seem better!!! I know who to call if I want to get totally wasted!