Emotionally Fucked

I get to the point where I am just so fucking tired of trying to deal with all of this bull shit. Cancer=Bull Shit. It feels like it will never end, with the good news comes the bad. I hate it and when I say hate I fucking mean it. I can't stand all of this. I thought that I was a much stronger person than I was and well I guess I'm not strong at all, it was made up in my head a long time ago. This is one of the hardest things that I have ever delt with and I don't think anyone besides my family and 2 other people realizes it. I hate the question of hows Carol, I know that they just care. I don't like talking about it most of the time. When it comes down to it I don't know what I would do without Carol in my life. She is the mom that I need. I didn't realize how angry I truly was until this week. I hate that this sucks so much, I hate all of it. I hate it...I hate it....I hate it...I hate it. It's so hard to go over to the house and be positive and not feel bad, but I have every day since May of this year. I unlike some others in my messed up family realize that this whole situation is NOT about me, or the kids, or my dad; it is about MOM. I feel like a part of me has just been ripped out and stomped all over. We are still in for the long hall, it is not close to being over or in some type of clear. We are stuck in this grey area and I wish we were done with it.