(Dear Fortune Teller, Can You See into the Future? And do I really Want you to?)
I feel that I am a very blessed person and I have so many ideas, tasks, dreams, aspirations, work, life, family, friends, and THINGS that I am involved in. Most people my age are not blessed enough to have been given so many opportunities or just don't do anything with their true potential. I have so many balls up in the air most of the time I don't know if I am coming or going, and I like that about my life. I like the controlled chaos and the busy hustle and bustle of everything. I am a multitasker, full of ambition, and I don't like to slow down for anyone. I love to make people happy and help where I am needed. I am a firm believer in that hard work pays off as long as you are smart about it of course! I just been feeling that I am not happy at the end of the day.
I feel so conflicted with my life right now. I have so many things in my life that I love but I am just not happy sometimes, and I wonder if I am just being ungrateful or selfish. I just get to the point where I just feel emotionally exhausted and I realize that I don't have someone to share my life with. Feeling like this makes me feel foolish and naive and basically retarded, because I never wanted to be the girl who had to have a man in her life. I don't feel like I have to have a man to be happy. What it comes down to is that we all have an emotional need to share their life with someone else. Growing up my mother could not live unless she had a man in her life, and it still makes me sick to my stomach. I saw it as her not being self reliant and I still see it as her not having the self confidence to support herself. She had to have a man take care of her, because she was so incapable of doing that for herself. Which is total bullshit if you ask me, I make my own money and I will be damned if I am going to have someone support me when I am capable of doing it myself. I understand that I am so much different from my mother, but I still have these feelings at times.
I can't stand that I always get the question of do you have a boyfriend, or when are you going to get a boyfriend. I get it from my family all of the time, and I don't have an answer for them. When I get asked that question it makes me feel as if I am doing something wrong. The jokes and insinuation that my best friend is my date doesn't help and on a bad day can be quite hurtful. At Christmas my little brother asked me when I was going to get a boyfriend and stop being single. Not too long ago I saw close family friends and they made the comment of how grown up I was, and then followed it with "We thought you'd be married and having kids by now." It hurt my feelings and still does. I don't know if I am just not deserving of a relationship or it is not my time, I just don't get in relationships. I never have been in a long term relationship and now at the age of 24 I am wondering if I ever will or if it is even worth it. If I could only be blessed enough to find a relationship like Alison and Jon-Michaels. Yes I understand it's not easy to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and relationships are hard work. Nothing worth having in life is easy and if you know me you know I am not afraid of hard work and my life hasn't been easy as pie. Most of the time I end up being the only person at the party who doesn't have a significant other in their life. As girly as this blog is becoming this is me and how I truly feel. I don't want a hug or a pat on the shoulder or someone to say "it will happen one day for you" this is just a part of my life that I have to deal with on my own. I'm not asking for help I deal with my own problems for the most part I just want to be able to vent about my frustrations. This part of my life has been bothering for the past month. Of course the situation at work doesn't help and I am officially giving up and I am not going to pursue a relationship at all. I have done all I can with the work situation and how many times can you ask someone out before your done? So what now right? Well I get up and go to work, and I work on my card company, and I work on editing and putting together a cook book, and I watch the super bowl on Sunday, I pay attention to my medical situation, and I visit my family, pay my bills, and hang out with my friends. I live and if love is around the corner it is and if it's not in the cards for me than it isn't. At the end of the day I have to be happy with one person and that person is me.
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