Lost in Orlando, I would not have it another way

Ready for a break from work and basically from life itself. I'm not happy, that's right I said it. Work is always going to be work and the same problems arise no matter what store I am working at. I am just really ready to branch out more. I have been doing the same job for about 7 years now and it has been a great learning experience, but besides the work I have been doing on the finicial side lately I am itching to grow. I don't know if this sounds right but, I am never satisfied with achieving one goal and staying in the same place contently for the rest of my life. I always want to do something more, raise the bar and show others how to do it better than I did it the first time. I feel like I am going stir crazy at work right now and I am quietly banging my head against the wall and trying to not let my owners know how unhappy I have been, because what can they do right now? Have you seen the market or looked at the finicial situation this whole country is in? Were are completly fucked, or at least it feels that way.

I will be much happier in the fall when business picks up and school begins again. I would by no means ever move back or go to my old job, because looking at it now Ocala has no growth at all and I would seriously regret ever working for one of my last bosses again. I actually was asked if I wanted to move back to Ocala this year and I thought someone kicked me in the head because I would never even considered it. It doesn't matter where I live, if I am not happy with what I am doing with my life I am not going to be happy...get it??? It's not that I am unhappy with what I do persay, it's more of the fact that I know that I can do more and asume more responsibility. It's just the wait that seems to be killing me right now. Next year will bring another position and more responsibilities for me.

I think we all make crazy mistakes and I think that I have been making a few of them lately. I always end up having the same thoughts in my head, "really? What the Fuck, really? Seriously? Was it worth it?" I've plenty of time to think about my mistakes and learn from them lately and yet I feel like "am I really making the right decision?" Somehow I have lost my guidence and I have NO idea where the hell it went. I think it went out the damn window with my confidence this past month! I don't second guess myself when it comes to a lot of things, and yet that's all I have been doing lately. Have I lost my "balls" when it comes to decision making?? All I know is that I have been feeling like a naive little girl lately and that shit has to stop!

I've been having withdraws from my family and my friends. This is one thing I hate the most about my life right now, scheduling time to see my friends and family. It really never happens often enough, and NO ONE EVER has the same days off. I am starting to think that my friends and family are like my distant relatives that I only see at Christmas and maybe Thanksgiving. I guess this is what I get for moving away from everyone! I just can't go to Ocala all the time, I don't have the money to keep burning it up on gasoline. It's just too much of a strain on me. I really miss my dad, I feel like he is my rock and he tends to keep me balanced. I never thought that I would ever become so close to one of my parents because honestly if you knew how my childhood was, well lets just say it was hard. I am such a daddy's girl and I just miss everything about him. We use to talk almost everyday and now we barely talk, and I am always having to do the calling. I really get so tired of being the person who does all the texting, the calling, and the contacting at times. It hurts my feelings and really it's fucking disrespectful. I know that everyone has their own lives and they are busy, but guess what it's not like I have nothing to do!!

Aparently this 26 year old is supposed to be married and with children already. How is it possible that any of my parents really thought that I would be married and be having children at the age of 26, I want to say "have you met me?" I've never been in a serious relationship and in the past month or two I have been asked at least 4 times when I was going to have kids. 4 times, that's not even counting the times I've been asked if I was dating anyone. The last time I was asked I told my mother to "shut up or I will never reproduce" I mean seriously I am not ready to be a mother right now or I would have a child. Listen: I want to get married and have a family, but it's not going to happen in the next couple of months so back the fuck off everyone. No one needs pressure to get married or have children, and I feel like we all place enough pressure on ourselves to find happiness and even consider to bring children into this what seems like cynical world at times. I will find someone when it is right, hopefully sooner that later but there should not be any rush (or at least this is what I am telling myself!)Of course I have great friends who think joining an online dating community would help, but really is that me? I don't think so, yes it is an option however not for me.

I have been living in Orlando since October and I am finally unpacking that spare room I have. Some people at work look at me like I am crazy or have 20 heads when I say that I am not fully unpacked. I mean let me break it down for you...October, I was busy on getting the C.O. for the store and training the new crew. November, I was sick the whole month and had surgery twice. December, Christmas and all kinds of crap was going on. January & February, I was working a lot of overtime and after working 60 hours a week I was not about to work when I got home. March-June, well I have been plain lazy! So I am finding things that I forgot that I actually had. Oh and how the hell did I get so much shit and where did it come from?

So this is life right now..over worked, single, in boxes, suffering from friend/family withdraws, unhappy, learning from mistakes, and unpacking my life. Who knew putting it in a blog would actually make me think, it's not so bad. We all know life could be worse.