Listening to Good Music and Feeling the Warmth

I wonder if we realize how complicated or how much impact are decisions have on each other? We mean things one way or make specific actions for one reason and it has so many other meanings or perceptions to other people. I am constantly thinking of when you point a finger at someone, three are pointing back in your direction. I am trying to put myself in others positions and not be so judgemental all of the time. I mean think about it...how many times do you think or say I would never do that or that is wrong. Now honestly put yourself in another position or put up different circumstances and do you really know how you would react? The truth of the matter is, the real answer is you don't know. What you do know is what you would like to think you would do. We all have beliefs and I am not saying that on some of them that you would budge in any form of the situation, however we are not guaranteed tomorrow and you never know until you are faced with some of the hardest situations.

I have been thinking and I guess you could call it growing up....anyways....I have been comparing thoughts, my thoughts. What I use to think and what I think now. It amazes me how my opinions have changed over the past couple of years and how we all have grown.

I have been thinking a lot about children lately. That is because children are everywhere. 4 girls at work are pregnant, I have a manager who is a really young mother, and for some reason I have family who reminds me of how old I am and that they can't wait to have grandchildren. I am not ready to have a child in my life and that is because I am selfish. I know by saying this I sound like a horrible person, but at the same time doesn't it make me a responsible adult? I know that I am not at a point in my life where I want to stop everything and concentrate on a human being for the rest of my life. I would not make a good mother right now, I have so much more to accomplish and grow before I could be a good mother. This has just been on my mind lately and I have had a few dreams and they are really weird! Oh and no I have not had any star wars baby dreams!!!

I was having a conversation with my boss the other day and he realized that it has been forever since we have talked. He asked me where I have been, as if I have been in a cave away from the world. I don't have to call him as much, I just get things done peacefully and as quietly as I can. It was really nice to talk to him on the phone and know that he has missed hearing from me. Work seems to be going smoothly for me at least, not for those around me who are making there own problems. I just cut all the bull shit and go directly to what matters and deal with it.

School is well- I am going to be playing catch up this week and try to stay on top of it. Time management did not work out as well as I thought they would this week. I forgot that I had a mid-term due this week and well lets just say it sucked. I will be fine, I just have to do a lot this week and register for classes. It's my own fault, I take full blame for falling behind!!!

Family is well, when I am busy with work and school I get it from both ends. My mom plays her poor me I miss you and I will see you when I see you I know you are busy routine, which I figured out last night when I- OH YES I called her!!! But whatever- I refuse to feel bad at doing what I want in life: going to school and work. Oh and by the way I refuse to make her feel better by hindering my life, ya know? Oh and I am referencing bio mom!
Mom and Dad are good, I don't know if I had the chance to notice this when I was younger but they just balance each other out so well. The picture in my mind right now is of them walking out of our new house going on a date to the movies. I want that- there relationship is so not perfect and they bicker with each other like everyone else does, but they just love each other more than life. They make me think that a love does exhist, I have been pretty much skeptical for most of my life. Know now that it was not love that couldn't hold my parents together it was compramise and lack or repspect for one another keeping them apart.

It's a wonderful day even though it's nigh time

Tonight I feel so at peace with myself. I have been getting some things taken care of and it is just so nice to feel productive at times. I am still having trouble at work and I am still trying to learn how to deal with these situations properly. Have you ever been in the room and gotten a bad vibe from someone? I did yesterday and it seems like it was still there today after words were spoken. It's not always about me so- who knows what is going on!
Today we had our 44Th president sworn into office, and I could not have been more happier. I will remember this day forever- the joy that I felt on election day is still alive in my heart tonight. I turned on the TV this afternoon and President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama got out of their car and walked a couple miles Pennsylvania Avenue. I was so proud to see that moment, and at the same time I was worried that someone might have tried to kill our new president. There is just so much hate in this world and so many racist fucks who can not stand to have a black man in control of our country. Ignorance is not bliss, it is just plain stupidity if you ask me.

I should know who I am by now.

Tonight I find myself thinking of everything that I miss. Most of all I miss the people who have moved on or who have been left behind. For some reason I stop each time I go to far with my thoughts and I just think how blessed I am to be here this year, and how blessed my family is this year. Thank God that things are so good this Christmas because this could have been the worst Christmas ever. All I can see is my mom, sitting in her chair in the worst condition in the world and yet she is the life of the party. She over everything in my life has been my center. I do not know if she knows how much she amazes me, but she does.
I find myself at a point that a few years ago I never thought I would be at. I never thought that I would respect or have such a great relationship with some of my parents. Growing up was not the greatest time for me when I live with bio-mom and her drunk boyfriend, but that is the past and why dwell on it. I think that we have all grown and they understand some of the life situations that I find myself in because they have been there. They know that I am a hard worker and I would do anything for them. I never feel like they criticize my decisions and they allow me enough room for me to make my own decisions.

turn the lights back on already

It's just one of those chill days where nothing is rushed and everything around me doesn't matter so much. Christmas is next week, can anyone believe it- next week. I have given a lot of thought lately to what Christmas truly means to me. My views on Christmas have changed yearly and this year I know it is harder for a lot of people because money has been so tight. Christmas hasn't felt the same to me this year because I honestly didn't want to embrace it. Sometimes it feels so much easier to push things away then to be happy and embrace the joy of it all. Christmas has become very commercial but I try not to get caught up in all the hype. I don't ever remember screaming and crying because I did not get what I wanted or making some big deal about a new toy. The things I love about Christmas are pretty simple and this past weekend I was able to get in the spirit by doing a couple of them. When I think of Christmas I think of driving around and looking at the lights on houses around town, baking cookies with my mom, traveling to Tampa to see my family play games, singing Carols at church, decorating the house and a beautiful Christmas Tree. It's so different being older and celebrating Christmas, because rather or not you choose to believe it comes down to money. So homemade gifts were very "IN" this year for me. I would rather receive something made with love anyways. Christmas isn't about Santa or any of that crap anyways. Christmas is about Christ. I remember being little and putting on a play at church. Christmas has always been a great time of year for me, no matter what has been going on. I love it all- especially spending time with my friends and family. I am truly blessed, we all are- rather we have any money this year, it doesn't matter because things could be much worse that they truly are.

Life is hard you just have to buck up and do it?

I spent the day with my mom today and her mood transferred to me. I really want to get into the Christmas spirit, but I am just not fealing it- ya know?
I could blame it on lack of funds but I have had plenty of holidays where money was no where to be found. I have plenty to be thankful for, and yet all I hear in my head is bah..humbug! So....I am trying to shake off this ungrateful bitch attitude and get into the spirit of something- shit even a happy mood would be great. I am feeling totally insecure this week and I hate it, I hate it so much because when I feel like this- I feel as if the whole world knows how I am feeling? (not sure if that makes any sense!)

Today someone was at my store which is cool and all but, I get a phone call from another manager and she is just trying to stir the pot and it is making me just wanna fucking go ape shit on her ass. I just want to say- listen DO NOT try to get me messed up in your feelings and your shit, I do not agree with you and I am not going to talk shit about another manager just because you are not happy with them. I have a job to keep and I can not afford to loose my job right now, and I have more self respect for myself and the other people involved.

This is my third day off in a row and I am ready to get back to work, it has been nice but at the same time I like to keep busy. I have plenty of things to do around here, but my lack of motivation is tanking big time. Shopping today was just not fun. I hate it and there were so many people around I just wanted to scream!!! I think the only thing I have left to do is go to the craft store for the rest of the gifts I am going to make. I need some material and beads.

I am taking some of my personal days off around Christmas time, or at least I had planned on it...Who knows. I might not even take time off, it really depends on how I feel this year. I know that my mom and I are baking soon. I think it will be on the 22ND. For the holidays I plan on staying kind of drunk, maybe it will make things seem better!!! I know who to call if I want to get totally wasted!

Don't Pass It Up You Just Might Like It...!

I am starting to think that I am the most impatient person in the whole world. From my driving to life events it's like nothing comes to me fast enough. This week at work might be interesting and it might be a little bit of a break for me, maybe one that I need. I am just getting so fucking tired of everyone telling who to be, what I need to do, and telling me what is wrong with what I am or have been doing. When I try to talk to have someone listen all I get is fucking feedback and it doesn't matter who it is from. Most of the time I just find myself in silence not wanting to think about the real problems going on. I thought that I had someone that I could in trust things in but we all have our own problems to deal with. I know that Thursday will bring a lot of change with a meeting with what we are calling the Big 3. Change, we all deal with change differently...for me no one deals with change in a good way if it is a change that you do not like. What it comes down to is I am trying not to think about it too much, except that previous experiences have lead me to believe otherwise. (oh I'm still talking about work) On Wednesday and Saturday I will not be working where I am assigned on our schedule which is fine with me and then again it's not. What I need to be is thankful that I actually have a job right now unlike so many Americans.
This past week brought me down a little, but I just need to pick myself up off the floor and move on. It's like I have been going on along improving and making thing better and then BOOM brick wall! I guess the best test is to see how you handle the situations that are placed in front of you.

The downtown lights still amaze me and I'm 23

This is straight from the diary.....

Today I want to be able to get a lot of things done. I have not been at home in a while and things are quite messy and I think I might actually break out the Christmas decorations, even though I said I wasn’t going to. Maybe that will put me in a better mood and more of the Christmas spirit. This year really doesn’t seem like the holidays. I don’t know if it because we are all so broke because of the economy or because we are all so tired form an exhausting year.
On Saturday we went to Lowes and picked out all the paint colors for the rooms at the new house. Dennis is letting us paint and get things together early, I love that we are going to have the coolest place ever to live in. The parties are going to be awesome; oh they are going to be so awesome. I have to get ready for my spring semester at Saint Leo today and tomorrow. I have been putting off so many things lately and I hate when I do that. At this time of year I love driving around down town and the neighborhoods, I love the decorations and lights.
I can't believe how late it is already, I should grab some lunch and get going with todays events.