Lost in Orlando, I would not have it another way

Ready for a break from work and basically from life itself. I'm not happy, that's right I said it. Work is always going to be work and the same problems arise no matter what store I am working at. I am just really ready to branch out more. I have been doing the same job for about 7 years now and it has been a great learning experience, but besides the work I have been doing on the finicial side lately I am itching to grow. I don't know if this sounds right but, I am never satisfied with achieving one goal and staying in the same place contently for the rest of my life. I always want to do something more, raise the bar and show others how to do it better than I did it the first time. I feel like I am going stir crazy at work right now and I am quietly banging my head against the wall and trying to not let my owners know how unhappy I have been, because what can they do right now? Have you seen the market or looked at the finicial situation this whole country is in? Were are completly fucked, or at least it feels that way.

I will be much happier in the fall when business picks up and school begins again. I would by no means ever move back or go to my old job, because looking at it now Ocala has no growth at all and I would seriously regret ever working for one of my last bosses again. I actually was asked if I wanted to move back to Ocala this year and I thought someone kicked me in the head because I would never even considered it. It doesn't matter where I live, if I am not happy with what I am doing with my life I am not going to be happy...get it??? It's not that I am unhappy with what I do persay, it's more of the fact that I know that I can do more and asume more responsibility. It's just the wait that seems to be killing me right now. Next year will bring another position and more responsibilities for me.

I think we all make crazy mistakes and I think that I have been making a few of them lately. I always end up having the same thoughts in my head, "really? What the Fuck, really? Seriously? Was it worth it?" I've plenty of time to think about my mistakes and learn from them lately and yet I feel like "am I really making the right decision?" Somehow I have lost my guidence and I have NO idea where the hell it went. I think it went out the damn window with my confidence this past month! I don't second guess myself when it comes to a lot of things, and yet that's all I have been doing lately. Have I lost my "balls" when it comes to decision making?? All I know is that I have been feeling like a naive little girl lately and that shit has to stop!

I've been having withdraws from my family and my friends. This is one thing I hate the most about my life right now, scheduling time to see my friends and family. It really never happens often enough, and NO ONE EVER has the same days off. I am starting to think that my friends and family are like my distant relatives that I only see at Christmas and maybe Thanksgiving. I guess this is what I get for moving away from everyone! I just can't go to Ocala all the time, I don't have the money to keep burning it up on gasoline. It's just too much of a strain on me. I really miss my dad, I feel like he is my rock and he tends to keep me balanced. I never thought that I would ever become so close to one of my parents because honestly if you knew how my childhood was, well lets just say it was hard. I am such a daddy's girl and I just miss everything about him. We use to talk almost everyday and now we barely talk, and I am always having to do the calling. I really get so tired of being the person who does all the texting, the calling, and the contacting at times. It hurts my feelings and really it's fucking disrespectful. I know that everyone has their own lives and they are busy, but guess what it's not like I have nothing to do!!

Aparently this 26 year old is supposed to be married and with children already. How is it possible that any of my parents really thought that I would be married and be having children at the age of 26, I want to say "have you met me?" I've never been in a serious relationship and in the past month or two I have been asked at least 4 times when I was going to have kids. 4 times, that's not even counting the times I've been asked if I was dating anyone. The last time I was asked I told my mother to "shut up or I will never reproduce" I mean seriously I am not ready to be a mother right now or I would have a child. Listen: I want to get married and have a family, but it's not going to happen in the next couple of months so back the fuck off everyone. No one needs pressure to get married or have children, and I feel like we all place enough pressure on ourselves to find happiness and even consider to bring children into this what seems like cynical world at times. I will find someone when it is right, hopefully sooner that later but there should not be any rush (or at least this is what I am telling myself!)Of course I have great friends who think joining an online dating community would help, but really is that me? I don't think so, yes it is an option however not for me.

I have been living in Orlando since October and I am finally unpacking that spare room I have. Some people at work look at me like I am crazy or have 20 heads when I say that I am not fully unpacked. I mean let me break it down for you...October, I was busy on getting the C.O. for the store and training the new crew. November, I was sick the whole month and had surgery twice. December, Christmas and all kinds of crap was going on. January & February, I was working a lot of overtime and after working 60 hours a week I was not about to work when I got home. March-June, well I have been plain lazy! So I am finding things that I forgot that I actually had. Oh and how the hell did I get so much shit and where did it come from?

So this is life right now..over worked, single, in boxes, suffering from friend/family withdraws, unhappy, learning from mistakes, and unpacking my life. Who knew putting it in a blog would actually make me think, it's not so bad. We all know life could be worse.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star....

I started thinking about these past 8 years and what has happened in my life, and honestly so much has happened I don't think that I would recognize myself. I've grown up, we've all grown up and it's so crazy to think about what all has happened. Every time that I tend to get in a rut or I start having trouble with what is happening in my life I just have an urge to reminisce and what it really means is that I need to make a change. Last year I made plenty of changes and with some of the changes it was much harder to adapt to them than I thought it would be. I thought it would be easier and I thought I was much stronger. It was and is just a lot of work that I am dealing with, and with all of this hard work it just gives me a whole lot of respect for my owner and all that he has done.
Taking a break form work is exactly what I need and to tell you the truth it is just not an option for me at all! My parents are going to the beach for the weekend and I just want to state no one does this on a schedule it's always 4 days before and I am supposed to just DROP everything that I am doing and just do whatever they want! I know that my family doesn't understand that everyone doesnt work 9-5 and have the weekends off like they do! I need to have at least a weeks notice, but I don't really ever get it!
Okay so it's about a month later and I still have not finished this blog. I have been super busy of course and a lot of has been gocing on. I am heading to Alabama tomorrow to spend a couple of days with my cousin Crystal and her new husband Brandon. It's no surprise to me that she got married before I did, she has always been that girl with the boyfriend and seemed to live and breath for each and every one of them that she has had! I don't even remember what this blog started off saying so I am going to have to TOTALLY re-read!
I had a conversation with Lorena and I just can't ever see myself wanting to see her. In the conversation that I had with her was not really pleasent and I know that she really misses me being all the way in Orlando. It's so damn complicated and I can't stand feeling some obligation to see her or involve her in a part of my life. Well only time will tell with her, I have really streatched myself to the limit when it comes to Lorena.

life is a beach i'm just playing in the sand. (i'm making the best sand castle EVER)

If I was to say that work was not kicking my ass I would be a total liar! I have been getting served every single day since I moved down here to Orlando. Of course not every day seems like someone has kicked my ass but if you stop and look at the big picture it was kicked. We have been opened up for a little over 90 days now and I must say this has been one of the smoothest openings with a crew that I have ever experienced and this is my third opening.
One thing I am getting use to is definitely living alone in a new city with no friends and family. Last week I was able to see my family for a quick hour dinner and that was it. I went from hating to live with 5 other people, to loving it, and now I miss it more than ever. When I was younger I didn't have that and I never understood how awesome it really is to have a big family to come home to. As much as I like living alone I miss seeing my friends, having them come over and being able to cook for more than one person. I miss taco nights and game nights.
I have met some new people and made some new friends and I can't help but love mostly all of the people who I work with. I have never been the manager who goes out with my co-workers and now I am!!! Go figure. I really like the people here in Orlando and I have been going out to bars and drinking a lot more since I have moved. I'm having fun and I know my limits so HEY your only in your 20's once!
Last year I lost 60 pounds and I am hoping that this year I will be able to loose more weight. It's gonna be much harder than last year. I need to be able to get into a routine and start exercising and keeping to my diet. It has been really hard to exercise with work being so demanding, but I can't give up. I want to loose 60 more pounds this year, it's gonna really be hard. I'm gonna start this weekend and hopefully I will be able to get a good routine going!

Doctor's Appointments, Last Hoorah

Time For an Oil Change and some Break Pads!

I actually have a busy, fun, relaxing, recovery week left and I know that it is going to be hard to get into the rhythm of working again!I have had a nice day and today was the first time that I actually slept in past 8 in the morning since I got home from the hospital. I am hurting tonight and I am trying to just do things a little at a time, so in the next month I will be full speed at work! I love the support that I have been getting, and I love the fact that the people close to me are really taking it seriously. Just because the surgery is over does not mean that my recovery done as well. The surgery was only the beginning and right now I am on so many steroids that it's like I still have a tumor. I will be on the same amount for at least the next 6 weeks and then hopefully it will help my pituitary gland start producing the right amount on it's own. Before the surgery I learned so much about what has been going on with my body for the past 5-10 years and I made a plan. Surgery and getting the tumor out is giving me a huge second chance to get my health in order. I want to resolve all of these medical problems that I have been having and removing the tumor was only one big step into doing that. Exercise, healthy diet, sleep, taking personal time for myself, and not always placing everything and everyone before me! If I don't take control or manage me better I will not be able to get up to 100% at work and I will not be going to Orlando for work. Of course I am sure that my family would be happier if I didn't move to Orlando but it's not about them!
I started looking at what I can do to get more in shape to help with my recovery and loose weight quicker and I think I have combined some exercises together to make a great workout for me. I am going to do a different routine each week so I don't hit a wall! I have lost 4 pounds in the last 2 weeks and all I did was sit around and eat in recovery. I have been keeping my sugar better under control and I am really proud of myself! It is hard and it is always a struggle but I can do it and keep myself healthy. The real challenge is incorporating what I have been doing into my really busy life and work! It can get really hard when you are just busy and convenience blocks your vision of healthier decisions! I have had a lot of time to think and today was one of them. I am going to start bringing my lunch or items to make my meals at work healthier.
I don't think that I have ever had so much time to concentrate on my health and my life. I am so thankful that I am doing so well after the surgery. So many things could have gone wrong, and I have had so much support from my friends and family. I am so thankful and blessed to have all of them in my life.

Gettin My Nail Polish On...!

I am starting to think that I could seriously write a book about all of the family drama in my life. One of my family members in particular would be great to write about, and of course I would have to change the names but I could see it working. I am so glad to just get away from some of the people who are stressing and emotionally draining me. I have hated being out of my comfort zone and the last time that I was in my own space was the weekend before the surgery. It has been 15 days since I have been home and slept in my bed, and as much as I love my family I am so fucking happy to be home. 15 days might not seem like a long time but it is for me! I usually don't spend that much time at home, I am working, out with friends, visiting family oh and did I mention working!!! Tonight I am sitting on the couch across from Alison and Kellyn and I could not be happier, it is so nice to just feel home. After next week I will start work again and I am ready to go back in some ways and in other ways I am not.
When I first got home today I just felt like I didn't belong and it took me a few hours to feeling like I was home. Staying up late is not the best thing for me, especially since I need to be up early in the morning to have one of my last blood tests for a while. I am ready to get the rest of this week over and I am so thankful that I have been feeling very well.

Early Morning News Session.

I have been waking up to a countdown in my head and updating it on our chalkboard fridge. Now it's only 7 days until things will change for a while and life will start to get better. I started to think would I really have been able to deal with this 2 or 3 years ago?
It has been 2 years since mom has been cancer free, and if anyone has learned anything from that horrible experience I believe that I have. It has made our family closer and I have become so much more closer to my mom than I ever thought I could become. Besides that I feel like I am a stronger person who can deal with a little more stress and deal with life situations that I never thought would occur. Not only did my diagnosis of diabetes help me find he real source of all of my health problems,

If the years were different

I am completely beyond being unhappy with the situation with my mother, and we ended up fighting on the phone tonight while I was at work. We do not get along on a regular basis and I have spent so much time trying to distance myself from her, mainly because she hurts me all of the time. I found out my surgery date about a week or two ago and I wanted to be able to see my family and I called her and let her know what was going on. I have told her what was going on with the tumor that is in my brain since October. She didn't really listen to me and she ended up calling me overweight a couple of times when I first told her what was going on with me.

Couldn't be more high that I am right now (natural one that is!)

Since last Thursday (surgery date was set) my mind has been going 20 millionn miles a minute. I feel totally turned on all of the time, and not in a bad way. I have so much that I have to get done, but I am not feeling too overwhelmed...YET! Work is just plugging along and I am really trying hard to get all of my ducks in a row! This is a really big step

The Crazy Storm of My Life

So it's that time again...it's time to get things done and back in order. I can't please everyone and knowing what is more important in life can be very key!!! I will first state that I love my friends, family, and my job. Saying that this has been a long few weeks and situations keep getting more difficult. Knowing that how you come across and the way you handle situations can be the most important way to deal with complications has been very key in the past few months.
Today I have to go into work with a different attitude and get back into the normal swing of things. I will not be able to stay at my store all of next week and I have a lot of work that has been getting delayed. Yesterday at work I found myself very aggravated and I felt like progress with one of my managers had gone backwards. I had to stop myself and bite my tongue more than 5 times yesterday alone and I saw a couple of things that I just wanted to bitch about. To be honest I don't feel like I have been doing very well at my job at all. I have been late about 6 times in the past 2 months, I have not been able to actively pay attention to my store, I have been working at another store that I feel does not care if I help them, I have neglected my family, and I have let my emotions get the best of me and become extremely stressed out.
I am finally finishing this blog....It's Tuesday night after work NOW!!!
I can feel my body starting to get sick again, I think it's another kidney stone and all I can think is that I do not need this right now I have too many hours to work this week for this shit.
Tonight it was nice to be able to catch up with my boss again and let him know how things were going on at the store. We were able to talk for 20-25 minutes and he re-assured me about some of the problems that I have been having. Sometimes it's nice to know that you are doing well at what you do when you are in the middle of the battle!! (I hope that made sense!) If I was feeling better tonight I would have felt like work would have gone better, but things were not bad and we had no complaints. Nick is doing well and I really want to spend as much time as I can with him while training. He is doing such a great job and next week I am going to use him as a float manager and make sure that he is ready to move up in the next couple of weeks. I might be trying to do too many things at once and I really wanted to be able to get Lama going but it is a work in progress. I have not been able to set aside time to concentrate on my to do list for Lama. I want to be able to finish the cards for Valentines on Thursday but, I can already see work will run late tomorrow and Wednesday will be shot by the time I get home at 7pm. So I am hoping to shove so many things into tomorrow and then run over to my store after work at the bell store. Rush home and get all my shit done and organized. After Thursday I have 3 doubles in a row...or at least Saturday will be a double shift if one of my managers does not show up. It's going to suck loosing her if she decides to be stupid but I am not sure what to tell her and both of my boss's know what I have to do on Saturday if she does not show up. I did the payroll today and I have 90 hours in the past two weeks, and that is going to be a nice pay check! It's been a while since I have had a pay check like that and I can't wait to get paid on Tuesday! So I'm just going to concentrate on what needs to be done and get work together. I can't drop the ball right now because I want the Orlando store and I want to keep my sales up at my store.

I'm hating the way I feel, I just hate the way that I feel.

(Dear Fortune Teller, Can You See into the Future? And do I really Want you to?)
I feel that I am a very blessed person and I have so many ideas, tasks, dreams, aspirations, work, life, family, friends, and THINGS that I am involved in. Most people my age are not blessed enough to have been given so many opportunities or just don't do anything with their true potential. I have so many balls up in the air most of the time I don't know if I am coming or going, and I like that about my life. I like the controlled chaos and the busy hustle and bustle of everything. I am a multitasker, full of ambition, and I don't like to slow down for anyone. I love to make people happy and help where I am needed. I am a firm believer in that hard work pays off as long as you are smart about it of course! I just been feeling that I am not happy at the end of the day.
I feel so conflicted with my life right now. I have so many things in my life that I love but I am just not happy sometimes, and I wonder if I am just being ungrateful or selfish. I just get to the point where I just feel emotionally exhausted and I realize that I don't have someone to share my life with. Feeling like this makes me feel foolish and naive and basically retarded, because I never wanted to be the girl who had to have a man in her life. I don't feel like I have to have a man to be happy. What it comes down to is that we all have an emotional need to share their life with someone else. Growing up my mother could not live unless she had a man in her life, and it still makes me sick to my stomach. I saw it as her not being self reliant and I still see it as her not having the self confidence to support herself. She had to have a man take care of her, because she was so incapable of doing that for herself. Which is total bullshit if you ask me, I make my own money and I will be damned if I am going to have someone support me when I am capable of doing it myself. I understand that I am so much different from my mother, but I still have these feelings at times.
I can't stand that I always get the question of do you have a boyfriend, or when are you going to get a boyfriend. I get it from my family all of the time, and I don't have an answer for them. When I get asked that question it makes me feel as if I am doing something wrong. The jokes and insinuation that my best friend is my date doesn't help and on a bad day can be quite hurtful. At Christmas my little brother asked me when I was going to get a boyfriend and stop being single. Not too long ago I saw close family friends and they made the comment of how grown up I was, and then followed it with "We thought you'd be married and having kids by now." It hurt my feelings and still does. I don't know if I am just not deserving of a relationship or it is not my time, I just don't get in relationships. I never have been in a long term relationship and now at the age of 24 I am wondering if I ever will or if it is even worth it. If I could only be blessed enough to find a relationship like Alison and Jon-Michaels. Yes I understand it's not easy to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and relationships are hard work. Nothing worth having in life is easy and if you know me you know I am not afraid of hard work and my life hasn't been easy as pie. Most of the time I end up being the only person at the party who doesn't have a significant other in their life. As girly as this blog is becoming this is me and how I truly feel. I don't want a hug or a pat on the shoulder or someone to say "it will happen one day for you" this is just a part of my life that I have to deal with on my own. I'm not asking for help I deal with my own problems for the most part I just want to be able to vent about my frustrations. This part of my life has been bothering for the past month. Of course the situation at work doesn't help and I am officially giving up and I am not going to pursue a relationship at all. I have done all I can with the work situation and how many times can you ask someone out before your done? So what now right? Well I get up and go to work, and I work on my card company, and I work on editing and putting together a cook book, and I watch the super bowl on Sunday, I pay attention to my medical situation, and I visit my family, pay my bills, and hang out with my friends. I live and if love is around the corner it is and if it's not in the cards for me than it isn't. At the end of the day I have to be happy with one person and that person is me.

dear stuck in a rut, lets shake things up!

Look at that picture, that was 5 years ago. It's amazing how time flies and all of a sudden you are not 19 anymore. I don't feel old, this is not the meaning of this post. I feel like I am moving forward as a person and I am being able to accomplish great things in my life.
To all of those people who are just waiting for your life to start, for your life to get better, or whatever you are waiting around for...go out and make it happen. Love the road you are on, life is happening and life IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT. Of course we cannot control everything that happens to us but, we have to be able to know the difference. Time gets wasted, and we are all guilty of it. We should all be thankful for each day that we are given.

So tonight I am in my room and I am getting ready for the week ahead. I have a to do list made for tomorrow, and a room that looks like someone had destroyed it time and time again. It's cold outside and I am covered in blankets watching a quite interesting movie. I read a blog today that made me stop and think about all that has been going on and things are so busy that it's hard to not get caught up in the craziness of it all! I feel like too much is going on and I have not been able to get organized or complete simple tasks at home and at work.

Mainly I feel lost in all of the events that are making up my life right now and I am not focused on the goals at hand. I have not really been able to sleep which doesn't help me when I have so much to do during the day. I just am hoping to shake all of this shiftiness off. I want to enjoy life and life is what I am making it right now...SHITTY!

Do You Feel Like You Were Meant For Something Better?

So it will be a year next month that Alison and I have been living together, and when I thought about it last night I realized that so much has really happened. Now it is like we are moving in a total new direction and all of these possibilities and new opportunities popping up. It's really exciting and scary at the same time. It's one of those times where you see change really happening. This week it has seemed like everything has become so real, so real.
I hate the waiting part and I have the not knowing part of this new move in my life. I don't know what is going to happen with this surgery or with the recovery and I don't know when I will be able to go and run the Orlando store. The important part for me with the surgery and work is that I can't rush getting better just to end up sick again. I don't know where I am going to move in Orlando or when the new store will be opening and if I am going to move before the store opens or after it opens.
Work is going well, it's just like we are just getting by at times. We have too many Indians and not enough chiefs!!! I am training and Indian right now and he seems to be doing really well. I will be able to train him tonight and tomorrow morning, he is a quick learner and I am really excited about what he can provide for our company.
Things are just on the move and happening right now and the best thing that I can do is get organized and work my ass off! This past week has been busy at work and I have been feeling so much better than I have for the last month of January.
Last night Alison and I got the lease taken care of for the house we are living in right now. We just have to update the lease next month and then it's a waiting game. I feel like all of a sudden I am the hold up in our plans, but I know it will all work out.

Stuck on Repeat

Sometimes I wonder why I keep falling for the same person over and over again. Have I not gotten over this person? It's hard to take feelings that you have for someone and flush them down the drain when you see them on a regular basis. I don't really understand why things do not work out with us and I am and have become more frustrated with this situation. I have been letting it bother me so much lately and I really shouldn't be. My main concentration should not be on him at all, I have plenty of other things that require much more attention. I guess the fact that mostly all of my close friends are in really great relationships doesn't help the fact that I feel a little bit alone at times. I mean shit man am I just seeing something that isn't there? HAHAH I just thought- hey maybe he's just not that into me!!!

Straight Up Tired

This has been one of the longest weeks of my life, or it seems. I have been sick and I have been mentally and physically exhausted. At one point this week I thought that I might just stay in bed and let the world keep going on without me. It has just been a long week and I need to remember that my life could just be so much worse. I have so much to be thankful for and I know things could get worse, I am just so thankful that I have the day off tomorrow and Monday. I feel like my life has become so unorganized and just a cluster fuck of mess. I am not good at slowing down and that is really what I needed to do this week but I didn't. I miss my family and my friends, I have not seen them in a while and this coming week I have the schedule from hell. I've got a full plate at work and more test to turn in and follow up on for my medical situation.
Tonight I was leaving Walgreens after work and there was a man on a bike and he asked me for my spare change. All I had was a $10. bill, at first I hesitated but I gave him the bill. He needed it more than me and if I can help someone who is less fortunate than me I will. It is so easy to see how anyone can end up not being able to provide for themselves.
Tonight it's raining and the power is flickering and it is the perfect weather to sleep in. I don't know if it will be cold again or not, it has been cold for the past week or two and it even snowed. It has been at least 10 years of so since it snowed in Florida.
I'm going to make a list of things to get done tomorrow and then I will settle in for the night. I am starting to feel better, and that is a great thing! I just can't keep on burning the candle at both ends!!!

It's all about how you play the game

Have you ever wondered why things happen and how all at once the messed up pieces fit into place? Like everyone else I fall on my face, I put my foot in my mouth, and just plain fuck it all up. At one point I use to think what if, I should have, or my favorite I wish I could just go back. It's easy to not take fault for your own actions and say if everything was different life would just be easier. So you just have to learn to suck it up and deal with your problems head on, and hopefully you will be smart enough to learn from them along the way.

corn dog.

The weather in Florida right now is perfect, we even have the heater on in the house. It feels how Christmas should feel like, and never feels like hear in Florida. I am finally starting to get into the season. For me when I think about Christmas I think about lights and how beautiful they are. The memories are the best, and I just love how it makes me feel like a child again.

On my way home last night I saw such beautiful lights outside of businesses and then tonight I drove threw the lights down town.

This is one blog I forgot to post!!!

Alright Princess Calm Down Now.

After days like today I just want to fucking scream at the top of my lungs!!! I start to think about events of the day and things that were said that just should be left alone. Why would you bring up my father around the family when obviously you do not care for him? I guess what it comes down to is that he is MY FATHER and you have NO RIGHT to talk anything about him. I really can't stand how hurful my grandmother and mother can be at times. I feel like I am so ready to get rid of their negativity in my life. The part that really is hard is being able to get rid of that part of my life. The truth of the matter is that I just can't write them off, they are my family I just need to learn how to deal with them better. I have to learn to not let them get under my skin as much as I can let them at times. I have gotten better in the past couple of years, but everything is a work in progress. Ignorance really just angers me and they are both a big part of it.

This is a backtrack to what has been going on in my life but I found it tonight so I am posting it!

"What matters is what you think about yourself, not what others think of you."

I am hard core having the worst time sleeping and it has been going on for about a week or two now. It's great feeling like shit most of the time because my brain will not let my body rest- this does wonders for my blood sugar too. I have a lot of crap on my mind right now and it's not even work related for once- isn't that just a relief!!!
I don't really feel right about talking about most of it and today was the first day that I feel like I am having some clarity on it all. I started thinking and writing down my thoughts and I figured out a lot of what my problems have been. They are mainly personal and family related. When I feel like I don't have the security of my family I tend to mentally get aggravated and focus on problems that I really cannot control. I hate problems that I do not have a solution for or that are out of my control.

I'm changing and I'm not sure I like how I feel.

I am sitting here tonight and I just don't know what direction I am going in. For so long I had these goals that seemed to make since, they were logical and they were what I thought I wanted in my life. I hate the question what next, however I find myself asking that question too much. I do not feel like myself or how I usually feel at all and I am trying to make since of all of it. I wonder why life always has to seem like a race or why people make it seem this way? In the end what we all want is to be happy, however the different ways that make people happy amaze me from time to time.