Lost in Orlando, I would not have it another way

Ready for a break from work and basically from life itself. I'm not happy, that's right I said it. Work is always going to be work and the same problems arise no matter what store I am working at. I am just really ready to branch out more. I have been doing the same job for about 7 years now and it has been a great learning experience, but besides the work I have been doing on the finicial side lately I am itching to grow. I don't know if this sounds right but, I am never satisfied with achieving one goal and staying in the same place contently for the rest of my life. I always want to do something more, raise the bar and show others how to do it better than I did it the first time. I feel like I am going stir crazy at work right now and I am quietly banging my head against the wall and trying to not let my owners know how unhappy I have been, because what can they do right now? Have you seen the market or looked at the finicial situation this whole country is in? Were are completly fucked, or at least it feels that way.

I will be much happier in the fall when business picks up and school begins again. I would by no means ever move back or go to my old job, because looking at it now Ocala has no growth at all and I would seriously regret ever working for one of my last bosses again. I actually was asked if I wanted to move back to Ocala this year and I thought someone kicked me in the head because I would never even considered it. It doesn't matter where I live, if I am not happy with what I am doing with my life I am not going to be happy...get it??? It's not that I am unhappy with what I do persay, it's more of the fact that I know that I can do more and asume more responsibility. It's just the wait that seems to be killing me right now. Next year will bring another position and more responsibilities for me.

I think we all make crazy mistakes and I think that I have been making a few of them lately. I always end up having the same thoughts in my head, "really? What the Fuck, really? Seriously? Was it worth it?" I've plenty of time to think about my mistakes and learn from them lately and yet I feel like "am I really making the right decision?" Somehow I have lost my guidence and I have NO idea where the hell it went. I think it went out the damn window with my confidence this past month! I don't second guess myself when it comes to a lot of things, and yet that's all I have been doing lately. Have I lost my "balls" when it comes to decision making?? All I know is that I have been feeling like a naive little girl lately and that shit has to stop!

I've been having withdraws from my family and my friends. This is one thing I hate the most about my life right now, scheduling time to see my friends and family. It really never happens often enough, and NO ONE EVER has the same days off. I am starting to think that my friends and family are like my distant relatives that I only see at Christmas and maybe Thanksgiving. I guess this is what I get for moving away from everyone! I just can't go to Ocala all the time, I don't have the money to keep burning it up on gasoline. It's just too much of a strain on me. I really miss my dad, I feel like he is my rock and he tends to keep me balanced. I never thought that I would ever become so close to one of my parents because honestly if you knew how my childhood was, well lets just say it was hard. I am such a daddy's girl and I just miss everything about him. We use to talk almost everyday and now we barely talk, and I am always having to do the calling. I really get so tired of being the person who does all the texting, the calling, and the contacting at times. It hurts my feelings and really it's fucking disrespectful. I know that everyone has their own lives and they are busy, but guess what it's not like I have nothing to do!!

Aparently this 26 year old is supposed to be married and with children already. How is it possible that any of my parents really thought that I would be married and be having children at the age of 26, I want to say "have you met me?" I've never been in a serious relationship and in the past month or two I have been asked at least 4 times when I was going to have kids. 4 times, that's not even counting the times I've been asked if I was dating anyone. The last time I was asked I told my mother to "shut up or I will never reproduce" I mean seriously I am not ready to be a mother right now or I would have a child. Listen: I want to get married and have a family, but it's not going to happen in the next couple of months so back the fuck off everyone. No one needs pressure to get married or have children, and I feel like we all place enough pressure on ourselves to find happiness and even consider to bring children into this what seems like cynical world at times. I will find someone when it is right, hopefully sooner that later but there should not be any rush (or at least this is what I am telling myself!)Of course I have great friends who think joining an online dating community would help, but really is that me? I don't think so, yes it is an option however not for me.

I have been living in Orlando since October and I am finally unpacking that spare room I have. Some people at work look at me like I am crazy or have 20 heads when I say that I am not fully unpacked. I mean let me break it down for you...October, I was busy on getting the C.O. for the store and training the new crew. November, I was sick the whole month and had surgery twice. December, Christmas and all kinds of crap was going on. January & February, I was working a lot of overtime and after working 60 hours a week I was not about to work when I got home. March-June, well I have been plain lazy! So I am finding things that I forgot that I actually had. Oh and how the hell did I get so much shit and where did it come from?

So this is life right now..over worked, single, in boxes, suffering from friend/family withdraws, unhappy, learning from mistakes, and unpacking my life. Who knew putting it in a blog would actually make me think, it's not so bad. We all know life could be worse.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star....

I started thinking about these past 8 years and what has happened in my life, and honestly so much has happened I don't think that I would recognize myself. I've grown up, we've all grown up and it's so crazy to think about what all has happened. Every time that I tend to get in a rut or I start having trouble with what is happening in my life I just have an urge to reminisce and what it really means is that I need to make a change. Last year I made plenty of changes and with some of the changes it was much harder to adapt to them than I thought it would be. I thought it would be easier and I thought I was much stronger. It was and is just a lot of work that I am dealing with, and with all of this hard work it just gives me a whole lot of respect for my owner and all that he has done.
Taking a break form work is exactly what I need and to tell you the truth it is just not an option for me at all! My parents are going to the beach for the weekend and I just want to state no one does this on a schedule it's always 4 days before and I am supposed to just DROP everything that I am doing and just do whatever they want! I know that my family doesn't understand that everyone doesnt work 9-5 and have the weekends off like they do! I need to have at least a weeks notice, but I don't really ever get it!
Okay so it's about a month later and I still have not finished this blog. I have been super busy of course and a lot of has been gocing on. I am heading to Alabama tomorrow to spend a couple of days with my cousin Crystal and her new husband Brandon. It's no surprise to me that she got married before I did, she has always been that girl with the boyfriend and seemed to live and breath for each and every one of them that she has had! I don't even remember what this blog started off saying so I am going to have to TOTALLY re-read!
I had a conversation with Lorena and I just can't ever see myself wanting to see her. In the conversation that I had with her was not really pleasent and I know that she really misses me being all the way in Orlando. It's so damn complicated and I can't stand feeling some obligation to see her or involve her in a part of my life. Well only time will tell with her, I have really streatched myself to the limit when it comes to Lorena.

life is a beach i'm just playing in the sand. (i'm making the best sand castle EVER)

If I was to say that work was not kicking my ass I would be a total liar! I have been getting served every single day since I moved down here to Orlando. Of course not every day seems like someone has kicked my ass but if you stop and look at the big picture it was kicked. We have been opened up for a little over 90 days now and I must say this has been one of the smoothest openings with a crew that I have ever experienced and this is my third opening.
One thing I am getting use to is definitely living alone in a new city with no friends and family. Last week I was able to see my family for a quick hour dinner and that was it. I went from hating to live with 5 other people, to loving it, and now I miss it more than ever. When I was younger I didn't have that and I never understood how awesome it really is to have a big family to come home to. As much as I like living alone I miss seeing my friends, having them come over and being able to cook for more than one person. I miss taco nights and game nights.
I have met some new people and made some new friends and I can't help but love mostly all of the people who I work with. I have never been the manager who goes out with my co-workers and now I am!!! Go figure. I really like the people here in Orlando and I have been going out to bars and drinking a lot more since I have moved. I'm having fun and I know my limits so HEY your only in your 20's once!
Last year I lost 60 pounds and I am hoping that this year I will be able to loose more weight. It's gonna be much harder than last year. I need to be able to get into a routine and start exercising and keeping to my diet. It has been really hard to exercise with work being so demanding, but I can't give up. I want to loose 60 more pounds this year, it's gonna really be hard. I'm gonna start this weekend and hopefully I will be able to get a good routine going!

Doctor's Appointments, Last Hoorah

Time For an Oil Change and some Break Pads!

I actually have a busy, fun, relaxing, recovery week left and I know that it is going to be hard to get into the rhythm of working again!I have had a nice day and today was the first time that I actually slept in past 8 in the morning since I got home from the hospital. I am hurting tonight and I am trying to just do things a little at a time, so in the next month I will be full speed at work! I love the support that I have been getting, and I love the fact that the people close to me are really taking it seriously. Just because the surgery is over does not mean that my recovery done as well. The surgery was only the beginning and right now I am on so many steroids that it's like I still have a tumor. I will be on the same amount for at least the next 6 weeks and then hopefully it will help my pituitary gland start producing the right amount on it's own. Before the surgery I learned so much about what has been going on with my body for the past 5-10 years and I made a plan. Surgery and getting the tumor out is giving me a huge second chance to get my health in order. I want to resolve all of these medical problems that I have been having and removing the tumor was only one big step into doing that. Exercise, healthy diet, sleep, taking personal time for myself, and not always placing everything and everyone before me! If I don't take control or manage me better I will not be able to get up to 100% at work and I will not be going to Orlando for work. Of course I am sure that my family would be happier if I didn't move to Orlando but it's not about them!
I started looking at what I can do to get more in shape to help with my recovery and loose weight quicker and I think I have combined some exercises together to make a great workout for me. I am going to do a different routine each week so I don't hit a wall! I have lost 4 pounds in the last 2 weeks and all I did was sit around and eat in recovery. I have been keeping my sugar better under control and I am really proud of myself! It is hard and it is always a struggle but I can do it and keep myself healthy. The real challenge is incorporating what I have been doing into my really busy life and work! It can get really hard when you are just busy and convenience blocks your vision of healthier decisions! I have had a lot of time to think and today was one of them. I am going to start bringing my lunch or items to make my meals at work healthier.
I don't think that I have ever had so much time to concentrate on my health and my life. I am so thankful that I am doing so well after the surgery. So many things could have gone wrong, and I have had so much support from my friends and family. I am so thankful and blessed to have all of them in my life.

Gettin My Nail Polish On...!

I am starting to think that I could seriously write a book about all of the family drama in my life. One of my family members in particular would be great to write about, and of course I would have to change the names but I could see it working. I am so glad to just get away from some of the people who are stressing and emotionally draining me. I have hated being out of my comfort zone and the last time that I was in my own space was the weekend before the surgery. It has been 15 days since I have been home and slept in my bed, and as much as I love my family I am so fucking happy to be home. 15 days might not seem like a long time but it is for me! I usually don't spend that much time at home, I am working, out with friends, visiting family oh and did I mention working!!! Tonight I am sitting on the couch across from Alison and Kellyn and I could not be happier, it is so nice to just feel home. After next week I will start work again and I am ready to go back in some ways and in other ways I am not.
When I first got home today I just felt like I didn't belong and it took me a few hours to feeling like I was home. Staying up late is not the best thing for me, especially since I need to be up early in the morning to have one of my last blood tests for a while. I am ready to get the rest of this week over and I am so thankful that I have been feeling very well.

Early Morning News Session.

I have been waking up to a countdown in my head and updating it on our chalkboard fridge. Now it's only 7 days until things will change for a while and life will start to get better. I started to think would I really have been able to deal with this 2 or 3 years ago?
It has been 2 years since mom has been cancer free, and if anyone has learned anything from that horrible experience I believe that I have. It has made our family closer and I have become so much more closer to my mom than I ever thought I could become. Besides that I feel like I am a stronger person who can deal with a little more stress and deal with life situations that I never thought would occur. Not only did my diagnosis of diabetes help me find he real source of all of my health problems,